"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, oh Lord..." Psalm 19:14

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Love's covering

I don't know why, but there are a strange number of things we say and do in the name of maturity. Like, for some reason, it feels good to say we've grown out of this or that...and as "mature" adults or "mature" Christians we talk less and less about our battles with insecurities and doubts. (I think C.S. Lewis had something to say about this in Screwtape Letters, but the exact words aren't coming to me.) Oh sure, my insecurities are certainly not what they were during adolescence, but it seems to me that as long as my pride remains...there they will be also.

So what is it for you? I know it feels silly to even bring attention to them, but one such insecurity in my life is shopping. I know, ridiculous, isn't it? This should be the pinnacle of a woman's enjoyment (you get the point), and yet it's something that gives me so much grief and stress. I feel like somehow I missed the boat. I can never find the sales or the right size. I never know what's trendy or in style. And even when I find something I like or when I scope out a great deal, I'm too indecisive to do anything about it! Ugh, the frustration! This may sound so dumb, but to me it's just more evidence that I am failing as a woman. Just add it to the list of womanly things I can't do: shop, bake, cook, fix my hair...

Maybe some of you know what I mean. It's like, I know those thoughts are irrational, and I am utterly confident that Jesus adores me no matter how I shop, and I know that someday, even, my future husband will really appreciate my shopping inabilities. But, it's just hard because the lies still taunt me and my feelings don't always follow logic.

Well, at any rate, I say all this because today -- can you believe it -- I had a wonderful day of shopping. I went to the weekend market. I finished Christmas shopping. I even bought some things for myself (like the scarves pictured above). And, it just felt good. Not because it really does add any worth to my name or make me more of a woman. It feels good, because I know that Jesus is gently telling me that He cares about these silly insecurities too (simply because I do), and He's got me covered. He understands, and His grace reaches even into my futile shopping efforts.

Praise God.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Hello friends, just an update. I was a bit sick last week and, for the record, it was not H1N1...though I did get my share of drugs from the doctor -- only two of which I actually took. :) Clearly, they're a lot more generous with their medication here. Kind of nice, considering I only saw the doctor for like five minutes.

The swine flu has been quite present here, and because there have been five cases in the 6th grade, our whole grade was canceled for this week -- Tuesday through Friday! Can you believe it? When I announced it to the kids, oh my word, they were ecstatic. (Until the homework came, that is, haha.) And even I was trying not to smile, expressing the rather serious nature of this kind of thing. (Everyone who has been sick has recovered well.)

So yeah, been filling my days with some planning and grading and extra sleeping...been rather nice! And only four more weeks until Christmas break now...the halfway point. Wow!

Thinking of you all and hoping all is well.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

something's just not right

This is not how it should be.
This is not how it could be.
This is how it is.
Our God is in control.

This is not how it will be,
when we finally will see.
We'll see with our own eyes,
He was always in control.

-Steven Curtis Chapman, Our God is in Control.

Does it get to you? Because sometimes, it just gets to me. I look at my life and my own brokenness. I look at the world. And I know. This is not how it should be.

And yet, I keep looking for things that a broken world can never produce. And I can't stop trying to make "how it should be" out of "how it is"...instead of waiting for "how it will be."

This is not how it should be means there's a better way, a grand design, a chance for redemption. This is not how it should be means that injustice is heard and loss is counted.

This is not how it should be. And I am so glad.

*These lyrics are from a song on Steven Curtis Chapman's newest album, "Beauty Will Rise," which was produced in the midst of his deep grief after the loss of his daughter, Maria. Powerful, moving stuff. Check it out.