I must admit, I've only scratched the surface on understanding and reclaiming all that was lost in the "monument shift" of growing up. And as much as I believe in God's love for me, I'm still uncovering old lies from the enemy, especially in regard to my femininity.
In recent years, I quietly backed away from the world of womanhood. I avoided conversations with guys and created excuses to miss formal events. I stopped thinking about how to look pretty, and I turned away from fancy dresses and nice jewelry. Oh sure, some of it was an attempt at contentment and humility, but also some of it was just me guarding my heart and avoiding my fiercest insecurities. To God's credit alone I am getting much better, but as He continues to redeem every part of me, I've realized that those lies not only caused me great unrest, they also took captive my deepest longings.
This summer, it seemed the whole theme of my conversations revolved around being a woman. I talked with wives and moms and newlyweds. I talked with those who are single, and those who are dating, and those who are engaged. We discussed the sweet sacrifice of having a family, the reality of marriage, and the reasons why there are so many single people these days. Throughout those weeks, I also had the joy of living life with many families. I sat at several dinner tables. I watched spouses interact and make decisions. I observed the exhausting yet beautiful ways of parenting.
And in the midst of it all, I realized something.
I want it.
Yes -- the marriage, the family, the kids, the sacrifice. I want it all.
Of course, this is not surprising. I'm a single, 25 year old woman. I grew up like most girls, playing house in my nightgown and dreaming up names for my potential children. Yet while I've never decided otherwise, somewhere in the midst of life and loss, sometime after the "monumental shift" of growing up, I sort of "shelved" those dreams.
But now. Now that I've seen the healing work of God in my life and relationships. Now that I've drop-kicked so many of those fears and insecurities, I am faced with these hopes that all this time were entangled in the lies.
And right away I remembered why it's just so much easier to ignore these types of things.
For, as with any desire so close to our hearts, God can do what He wants. He can fulfill it...or He can wait. And to be quite honest with you all, both of those possibilities scare me a great deal.
Hmmm...it seems I may just need a Part 3...