"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, oh Lord..." Psalm 19:14

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Why I changed my mind – and does it really have to make sense?


I always said that my tentative plan was to go back to Puyallup when I finished my two years in Bangkok. And then I’d add at the end, “but in humility, I know that God could change my heart at the drop of a hat.”

I didn’t know how right I could be.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed God stirring new things within. And every time I thought about leaving Thailand in June, I just felt sick inside. At first, I just chalked it up as sentimental fluff (I mean, it’s always hard to say goodbye), but then I found myself awake at night, praying to God and pleading for a reason to stay, if only for one more year.

But at that point, I just couldn’t consider it. My last year on Puyallup’s recall list? All of my friends back home, my possessions in storage? My resignation already signed and turned in? And 18 months of feeling good and right about returning, all turned around in a matter of weeks? No way. That just wasn’t gonna cut it.

…So, I’m sure you’re dying to know, right? What was it? What was the big turning point, the grand and perfect reason for changing my mind and choosing to stay?

The thing is, I’m not sure if I have one. I mean, God definitely chipped away at each doubt and fear that came up, and He persistently affirmed different thoughts and passions within. I could probably give you a pretty detailed play-by-play if you wanted it. But it definitely wasn’t the flashing billboard answer that would make the choice easy. And as much as I was hoping this decision would come with a five-year plan, or would at least guarantee me some of the things I desire, that’s just not the way God works.

I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know if I’ll be here for one more year…or for many. I don't know how God will use me, or in what ways I can be useful. I don’t even fully know why He’s compelled me to stay. All I know is, I am so moved to be a part of what God’s doing here in Thailand…that I just can’t go.

And darnitall, maybe by all earthly measures, it doesn’t make sense. But I think I’m okay with that.


“If you want a religion that makes sense, go somewhere else. But if you want a religion that makes life, choose Christianity.” –Rich Mullins