hollyslifeoutloud

I finally did it.

2011-08-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

So I did it. It's finally done. I've moved my blog to Wordpress. It's better, nicer, has an ipad app, and it could even transfer all of my old posts and comments to that site.

See you there!!

www.hollyslifeoutloud.wordpress.com

living in two worlds

2011-06-29T08:56:00.001-07:00

"Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones."

-Puddleglum in The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis*

So I've been in America for two weeks now, and it feels more like I've been here for months and months...or that I never left at all. In some ways, it almost feels like I press the "pause" button when I leave, and then just hit "play" again whenever I'm back. I mean, I know things have changed, and I know I have changed a ton over this year...but sometimes it feels like all that happened "over there" doesn't even count in this world.

It's hard, because I come back and I see things with different eyes and Bangkok remains on my heart every day...and yet all it takes is a little bit of "normal" and I find myself questioning everything all over again.

Did all that I experience over this year really happen?

Am I just crazy for believing, crazy for staying, crazy for choosing that life over this one?

It breaks my heart that things come at a cost, and I wish everyone could understand and experience all that God's done -- around me and inside of me. But the bottom line is, deep down, I know. Even if it looks strange or selfish or foolish, I know that God has called me to follow His heart. And I know that He is worthy of my trust and worthy of my life. And I know that, one day, when we all look back on this, there will be no regrets.

I know.

*The above quote is from The Chronicles of Narnia. This is part of Puddleglum's defense to the Witch's claims against Narnia and all they believe in. To see this quote in context, click here.

capturing the heart of God

2011-05-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

This photo was taken by my church friend, Benjima, at our last beach baptism party!

Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Luke 15:3-7

We've finally reached my favorite part about teaching 6th grade social studies, when we read in our history books about the rise of Christianity. I try my best to be objective, I really do, and our textbooks aren't Christian or anything...but the awesome thing is, no matter what you think about church or Christians even, you have got to admit that the God of the Bible is compelling.

We just learned about the life of Jesus, and so the students are learning different parables He taught. As I explained the one mentioned above, I was just moved by the heart of our God. What kind of God is this, who aches and longs to rescue every single soul...that no matter what else is going on, He is consumed by the hunt for his lost sheep?

It's made me think of all the breakthrough I'm seeing in my friendships and at my church...Why does this surprise me? Is this not the heart of God? That we ache and hunger to see the lost saved? That we are found on our knees, praying and fasting for our friends who don't know Jesus? That the Church -- His Body -- is obsessed with sharing God's love, with seeing more and more people saved and baptized? And if that is the heart of our God, then, of course God will bless this. Of course God will answer our prayers. Of course God will use us to reveal Himself.

It must be what He was talking about when He said, "Ask anything in my name, and I will do it." When we join God in His heart and purposes, nothing can stop us.

the harvest is plentiful

2011-05-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

"But I say, wake up and look around. The fields are already ripe for harvest. The harvesters are paid good wages, and the fruit they harvest is people brought to eternal life. What joy awaits both the planter and the harvester alike! You know the saying, ‘One plants and another harvests.’ And it’s true. I sent you to harvest where you didn’t plant; others had already done the work, and now you will get to gather the harvest.”

-Jesus (Jn. 4:35b-38)

Paulina (Pastor Daniel's wife), me, and our new friend, Daeng

I had the immense joy and privilege of seeing two new friends come to know Jesus this week!!! One of these friends I met on my flight back home from Jakarta last month (crazy, right?)...and then yesterday, she brought her friend to church and he decided at dinner last night that he needed Jesus too! Unbelievable. My heart is so overwhelmed....that You would use me, Lord?

One of the hardest things about following God is never really knowing when breakthrough will come. We never know when we will see the lost saved, or when revival will break out. And yet we are called to pray and believe that it's coming -- whether that means in days, or months, or years and years. And by praying and believing towards it, we are helping bring it about. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that breakthrough comes when we say and do exactly the right things, but really, it's a battle won by faith and obedience. The role we play is not up to us. Sometimes we get to actually "see" the fruits of our labor...and sometimes we don't.

As I spend my days here in Bangkok, I am convinced that this is a very, very special season for my church and for this city. I believe that God is stirring up something big, and that breakthrough is coming. Hearts are open, and there is a longing for truth among us. Oh God, that You would call me here for such a time as this? I am humbled and honored and amazed.

Please keep us near to your thoughts and join with us in your heart and prayers.

Pray for Thailand. God is opening ways for the Gospel to be proclaimed to those who have never heard...and it is a beautiful thing.

Pray for my church, Life Center, as we prepare for the official opening August 4-7. Pray that we will find the perfect new venue...a place where we can grow, and meet often, and create a welcoming ambiance. Already we have about doubled in size in the past couple months. Pray for vision and provision and a continued outpouring of His Spirit among us. God is doing great things!

Pray that I am able to sell my car this summer, and if you know of anyone who could use a 2006 Mazda3, pass the word along -- $9,000...about 50,000 miles and still under a bumper-to-bumper warranty!

Pray for God's favor in empyting my storage in WA. I've been tottering back and forth about keeping it or not. But the bottom line is, I am spending $70 a month...to store a bunch of stuff I never use. To be honest, the main thing holding me back is the logistics of manpower, time and energy, a way to sell things, etc. If somehow you could and would want to help, please let me know. I'd be ever, ever grateful!

just let it all out

2011-04-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

This past week, my dear friend from Washington, Jody, asked me why I haven't been writing much lately. I replied by saying that, strangely enough, I just haven't had the words to express all that God's been doing in my heart. But as I thought about it more, I realized that's only partially true. The whole truth is, God has been doing some radical, life-altering things inside of me...and I'm a little shy to talk about it. So lately, I've been kind of selective in what I share and who I share it with...but that's not me! God has given me a calling to share my heart and life freely, and so here goes nothin'. I'm letting it all out.

Most of my life, I've felt a little bit radical, and I've never really known what to do with all this passion inside. At times, I've felt really constricted by the boundaries of mainstream, conservative Christianity, but I had huge doubts and fears about exploring outside of its safety.

Last spring, God really challenged me in all of this and asked me why I limit Him and how He wants to reveal Himself to me. So one night, in the privacy of my classroom, during a personal worship session, I surrendered my pride and fears and said, "God, do what You want. Reveal yourself however You want to." And that night, he gave me the gift of tongues.

At first, I was excited, because for the first time ever, God gave me a gift that could only be explained by Him. And in that moment, all of my assumptions and expectations of what is possible were suddenly ripped to shreds. But then, as reality set in, I started to feel really sad. I realized that I've experienced God in a way many people -- even within the church -- won't understand and many won't accept. I had left my safe place of neutrality and would be forever labeled by this supernatural gift.

So for a few months, I decided that, really, nothing had changed. And it's true in a way, because praying in the Spirit is a lot like praying normally; you just don't know what you're saying. But as I kept walking forward and letting God move me, it became clear that many things had changed. Everything had changed.

It's not simply because of the gift, but it's because a people-pleasing, hungry-to-conform part of me had died when I received it, and for the first time, I was open to everything God had for me. In the past year, God has revealed Himself through prophetic word, through speaking specific scriptures to my heart, through crazy, divinely appointed friendships. Even the way I ended up at Life Center (my current church) is totally of Him. I had just fully surrendered my plans to God and told Him I'd even stay in Bangkok or go to a completely new place if that's what He wanted. And that same night, I heard in my heart, "Go to the Brolin's church." I knew of it, because the Brolin family attends our school. So the next day, I went there and I haven't stopped since. Life Center fits my heart in ways only God could have planned, and it was really the main factor in my choice to stay in Bangkok for longer.

I don't share all this to boast of my new experiences. In fact, I say it all with hesitation, because I know some people may think I've now gone off the deep end. And I hate that. I don't want to be misunderstood or judged. But goodness, I don't want to live in fear either. I am grateful that God continues to answer my prayer for more of Him and that He completely blows me away with what that looks like.

More to come. Thanks, Jody, the seal is now broken and my thoughts are again free to flow!

catching my breath

2011-04-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

Spring Break 2011: Bali and Jakarta

This year for our April "Songkran" Break, I had the joy of traveling to Indonesia! First stop: the island of Bali. We started out in an over-touristy beach town called Kuta. Didn't love it. Pushy people, swindling money changers, crowded beaches... Maybe a good place for aspiring surfers, and maybe it all would have been more exciting if we didn't come from Thailand --the home of many beautiful beaches.

Such colorful seafood.

Some of the most beautiful sites around Bali are the temples. I think it's partly that the colors and styles are so trendy right now. It'd all fit in nicely on someone's patio or something.

I traveled with two teacher friends, Heidi and Sheila. Traveling is always a great way to get quality time with people you don't see often enough!

After a couple days, we headed inland a bit to a place called Ubud. Praise God for Ubud. Quiet, beautiful landscapes, and instead of pushy, the people were friendly and helpful. Our first night, we took an Indonesian cooking class. First dish, the ever-delicious gado gado salad, featuring (yum, yum) this tasty peanut sauce stuff. Kind of like sauce for satay, but not so sweet.

We also learned how to make a curry chicken and another popular Indonesian dish, mie goreng (stir-fried noodles), both fantastic. AND then we topped it all off with fried bananas!! Ahhh, as you can imagine, we kind of rolled ourselves up to our bungalows that night.

These are the bungalows we stayed in while at Ubud. My favorite parts were the intricately decorated doors (sorry, forgot to get a close-up) AND how they brought us up hot tea every morning on our terrace. How lovely!

So, super fun, we went on a downhill bike ride beginning near a well-known volcano in the area. LOVED it, even though we experienced a DOWNPOUR about 20 minutes into the ride. And once it started raining, it never stopped. Great fun, you know, when you get so drenched you don't even care anymore?

On the ride, we ran into a ceremony going on involving this strange pole-like thing that the people were swinging around near their temple. We asked them what it symbolized, and (uh oh, I never remember this kind of stuff) I think they said something about a river...not sure. But I guess it only happens a couple times a year or so. The funny thing, while they were swinging this around, it fell over -- nearly on top of us all! We then backed away and for the next 20 minutes or so, watched the men work together to get the thing back up.

We also had the opportunity to take a batik-making class! It was fantastic!! (Batik is this kind of fabric painted in layers to create a really cool and unique design.) We got to take part in every step...drawing on the canvas, using the hot wax, and painting it over and over again. That's mine, drying in the sun. It got a few more layers of paint after that. Maybe I'll post a completed photo of it later. I realized then that I just love sitting around and creating. It was so relaxing and engaging too.

My last few days in Indonesia I spent near Jakarta with some old college buddies, Jessica and Evan Brammer. It was so nice to see them after four years. Loved seeing them be such wonderful parents to their three little kiddos. And we all enjoyed swapping overseas stories and sharing all that God has done in our lives these past years. What an encouraging time!

Admiring the clouds on my flight back home to good ol' BKK!

lost in translation...or just plain lost?

2011-02-25T16:57:00.000-08:00

I have to say I’m just a beginner when it comes to understanding cultures outside of America. I mean, two years ago, I hadn’t even left North America before. So as I try to engage with Thai culture here, it’s seriously like stepping into a whole new world. And while the language barrier of course is a huge part of adjusting, language is just the beginning.

So in typical Holly-fashion, I kind of freaked out last week. What am I doing? Am I walking where I shouldn’t? Doing what I can’t? What if what I’m doing and saying means something totally different in this culture? And vice-versa? What if I just completely mess up, or offend someone…what if I’m rejected? And if I am accepted, does this culture replace my own?

Then I read this:

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

Ephesians 2:14-22

Culture is a beautiful thing, but our first allegiance is not to our country or culture…but to our God and the members of His household. In Him, we have a new culture, a new family, a new identity.

This all makes so much sense to my heart, because in deciding to stay here, I feel like people wonder if I've become passionate about missions, if that’s become my “thing.” Overseas for life, “called” to the mission field? Yet, my passions have not changed one bit. My longing is still to see God known and glorified in His Church; He’s just expanded my view of what that means…and who’s included.

After floating around in my deep thoughts for a while, I talked with my good friend, Mutarica, who knows a thing or two about different places and cultures. And instead of helping me analyze things further, she cut through everything and reminded me that it’s really quite simple.

“Just be you,” she said.

Oh…right.

I’m not in Thailand to find belonging in a new culture, or to collect diverse friends and experiences. I just want to know these people I’ve come to love, and to know their love too.

silence.

2011-02-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

If you know me well, you know that I have trouble with silence. Words, tapping, strange sound effects...I'll use whatever it takes to fill the empty void in a conversation.

Silence.

It's funny, because lately, the enemy has been using silence all over the place to drive me nuts and awaken these dumb fears and insecurities. Since I'm an over-sharing, over-communicating creature, I think it's a real weak spot for me. I send an email, or a text. Silence. Maybe they don't care? Maybe I said something wrong? I ask a question. Silence. Maybe I'm bothering them? Maybe that's a stupid question? I post something on Facebook, or on my blog (I hate admitting this). Silence. Ahhh! Maybe my words don't make sense, or people think I'm crazy, or I shouldn't have talked about that!

And it's beside the point that usually all of those lies are simply, truly lies, because really, the core issue here is -- What's really at stake anyway? Shoot! What if I do say something wrong? What if I do embarrass myself? What if I do mess up? I'm pretty sure I can trust in the faithfulness and kindness of God to cover me...and I can even trust that He'll give my friends grace to extend over my mistakes as well.

Phew. I feel better now that it's been said out loud. Haha. No wonder I hate silence.

And speaking of silence, please forgive me for my blogging-silence these past several weeks! It's partly due to a busy schedule, but mostly, I think it's because my linguistic skills are overspent on learning Thai right now! I'm taking lessons twice a week, studying every day, and trying to speak...whenever I have the courage to! Loving, loving, loving it...but my English writing output has been pretty pathetic since. Strrrange.

Anyway, here are some highlights as of late and things you can pray about if you happen to think of me! God is absolutely blowing me away with new opportunities and such clear affirmation that I am where I'm supposed to be. Praise His Name!!

The past few months, I've been attending a new church called Life Center. It's a young church plant started by a passionate and God-loving couple from Sweden. It's mostly made up of younger, Thai people -- a lot of them university students and most of them new Christians. I am crazy-excited to be a part of their ministry here, and I can't WAIT to see what God is gonna do!

God has given me favor by bringing me SO much encouragement as I try to learn Thai. I feel like every time I try to use it, I battle with fear. I know I've just started studying hard core, but I am praying for 1) a supernatural ability to pick it up quickly! and 2) patience and a teachable spirit, as I stumble through learning.

ทุกอย่างเป็นไปได้กับพระเจ้า

Everything is possible with God!

The transition. I truly don't know what God has planned for me beyond next year, but I have a deep conviction to commit myself here and to give Him free reign to use me as He pleases. SO, I've decided it's time to sell my car and try to empty out my storage in Puyallup, hopefully by this summer. It's maybe harder for me emotionally that anything, but I take this step in faith, and I know I don't need tangible "roots" in order for God to bring me back someday. Please pray for the logistics with all of this, and for a heart at peace.

And if you know of anyone interested...please let me know!!

Love to you all, whoever you are reading right now. Thanks for letting me...break the silence! :)

Why I changed my mind – and does it really have to make sense?

2011-01-01T06:31:00.001-08:00

I always said that my tentative plan was to go back to Puyallup when I finished my two years in Bangkok. And then I’d add at the end, “but in humility, I know that God could change my heart at the drop of a hat.”

I didn’t know how right I could be.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed God stirring new things within. And every time I thought about leaving Thailand in June, I just felt sick inside. At first, I just chalked it up as sentimental fluff (I mean, it’s always hard to say goodbye), but then I found myself awake at night, praying to God and pleading for a reason to stay, if only for one more year.

But at that point, I just couldn’t consider it. My last year on Puyallup’s recall list? All of my friends back home, my possessions in storage? My resignation already signed and turned in? And 18 months of feeling good and right about returning, all turned around in a matter of weeks? No way. That just wasn’t gonna cut it.

…So, I’m sure you’re dying to know, right? What was it? What was the big turning point, the grand and perfect reason for changing my mind and choosing to stay?

The thing is, I’m not sure if I have one. I mean, God definitely chipped away at each doubt and fear that came up, and He persistently affirmed different thoughts and passions within. I could probably give you a pretty detailed play-by-play if you wanted it. But it definitely wasn’t the flashing billboard answer that would make the choice easy. And as much as I was hoping this decision would come with a five-year plan, or would at least guarantee me some of the things I desire, that’s just not the way God works.

I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know if I’ll be here for one more year…or for many. I don't know how God will use me, or in what ways I can be useful. I don’t even fully know why He’s compelled me to stay. All I know is, I am so moved to be a part of what God’s doing here in Thailand…that I just can’t go.

And darnitall, maybe by all earthly measures, it doesn’t make sense. But I think I’m okay with that.

“If you want a religion that makes sense, go somewhere else. But if you want a religion that makes life, choose Christianity.” –Rich Mullins

The Top Three's of 2010!

2010-12-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

In 2009, on my way to Thailand, God challenged me to "keep asking," to pursue life to the fullest -- asking for depth, for abundance, for more of Jesus....no matter where it takes me. And so it's kind of been my battle cry. How cool and humbling it is to think about 2010 and all the ways God has given me more...and more.

Here are my highlights from the past year. Maybe this is more for me than you, but I pray we can all remember the ways God has spoken and moved as we look to the New Year.

Scriptures

3. Isaiah 61 - God has given us beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, a robe of righteousness to replace our sin and shame. What a great reminder this was for me this year. Our life in Christ is one of joy and victory!

2. Isaiah 40 --

"You who bring good news to Zion,

go up on a high mountain.

You who bring good news to Jerusalem,

lift up your voice with a shout.

Lift it up; do not be afraid.

Say to the towns of Judah, 'Here is your God!'"

We serve the Everlasting God -- may we fearlessly proclaim His greatness!

1. Romans 8 -- This may be one of the most well-known chapters of the Bible, but how many of us truly live and walk in the power and promise of Romans 8? I definitely don't all the time, but I sure want to.

Destinations

3. The Great Pacific Northwest!!

Okay, so this is nothing exotic or unique, but what joy it was to spend time in the Northwest this summer. Washington has my heart, for sure.

2. Langkawi Island, Malaysia

We barely made it to Langkawi in October, and it took all the Malaysian Rupees, Thai Baht, and USD we could scrounge up to get there. ...But it was so worth it. Beautiful beach, quiet town, tons to do.

1. Himalayas, Nepal.

It's just that nothing can compare with this place and all that God taught me there!

Firsts

3. Ziplining

Ziplining is a pretty popular thing to do when you come to Thailand.

And I can totally understand why -- My good friend, Perla, and I had a blast!

2. Professional perm

A definite success (and oh-so fun, thanks to dear friends, Amanda and Mu!). I always knew my hair needed more volume. Now let's see if I can ever go back, hehe.

1. Celebrating with my little brothers for their birthday!

Because I've never lived near my little brothers, I had never been with them on their birthday, January 5th! But with our extra long break at ICS, I was there this year!!

Heartfelt moments

3. Karshner Field Day.

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to see all of my dear Karshner/Puyallup friends last June. They have been such a testament of God's kindness!

2. Worshiping with the orphans in Nepal

Anyone who has ever worshiped Jesus alongside orphans

anywhere will tell you, it's life-changing.

1. A brother-planned 25th birthday

Batting cages and catch, lunch out, quality time with the guys...

and dinner made by my teenage brothers? Memorable for sure.

Books

3. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller - This is the kind of book that inspires, ya know? It makes you wanna go out...and do something!

2. Forgotten God by Francis Chan -- I love Francis Chan's passion and conviction. I love that he's okay with stirring things up a bit, for the sake of truth and the Gospel.

1. Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan -- This book changed my view of culture, missions, and The Church as a whole. And hey, follow the link, you can read it for free!

Songs

3. Our God by Chris Tomlin -- This year, God has challenged me to take hold of the power and victory He's offered to us all as His children. What a great song proclaiming such truths!

2. Holy Spirit, Have Your Way by Leeland -- Another thing that keeps showing up on my radar is our need for the Holy Spirit in our lives. We should hunger for a more Spirit-filled life, instead of shying away from it!

1. Running by Klaus -- This is my newest favorite, and it actually sums up 2010 really well for me. God is calling us to chase after Him and forget about everything else -- to stop pursuing the things we think we need. All year, it was like He kept proving to me that running after Him is truly the greatest joy and delight we can ever know...and through Jesus alone, we find more than we could ever need, or want, or imagine.

May we run after our God and Savior with reckless abandon as we look ahead to 2011! All glory to Jesus!

Strange things are happening to me.

2010-12-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

Not a day goes by here in Thailand without someone asking me, "Where you from?"

I, of course, proudly and emphatically answer, "America!"

To which they nearly always respond, "Ohhh, no. You look like China. ...Korea."

Yeeeah. And if I'm totally honest, it's bugged me since the day I got here. Like, c'mon, doesn't the world know that Americans come in all colors, shapes, and sizes? Didn't the rest of the world get the "multicultural" memo that's drilled into our American minds back home?

For most of my time here, I've tried not to think about it, because I had that nagging feeling (you know the one?) that there are deeper reasons behind my frustration. See, it's not something I advertise, but pretty much my whole life, I've tried to "skirt around" the fact that I'm, well, Asian. I know it sounds like nonsense, but I always felt like emphasizing the "Asian" would somehow make me less American.

But, like I said, strange things are happening to me.

It's been an awesome process full of good conversations, books, thoughts, prayers...but the short of it is, I think God is giving me a heart for Thailand...and maybe Asia as a whole.

I can't fully explain it. Maybe part of me has found some hidden connection within. Maybe I've hit a high point in the cycle of adjusting to a new culture. I could speculate on a lot, but one thing I'm sure of: It is definitely of God. He has directed every thought and has brought forth every new experience and friendship and conversation. He has changed my heart.

So what does this mean? Am I not the girl who just turned in resignation papers for her job in Bangkok? Am I not the girl whose heart beats and cries out for the Church back home? Am I not the same proud American who stepped foot in Asia a year and half ago?

The funny thing is, I am still all of the above. My heart still aches for the Church in America and longs to be a part of impassioning and inspiring hearts back home. I am still a proud American who adores her country and has no reservations about returning to live there. And yes, I am still the teacher who -- as of next year -- will no longer have a job in Bangkok.

In other words, I have no idea what this all means. But I am excited to see what God has in store. My mind can go any which way -- maybe He will open a door for me to stay here in another capacity, or maybe He's preparing my heart for future plans. I don't assume I'll know for a while, so I'm just delighting in the peace of His sovereignty and faithfulness. He is a good God, and as I sang at church today, "Our God never fails."

So please pray for me. My hope is that you won't pray for what I want (oh wait, I don't even know what I want)...and that you won't even pray for what you want...but that we will, together, pray for what God wants to do -- in my life, and in yours too! May we give Him full reign to bring about His plans and purposes among us.

Even if it means...strange things.

If I could talk to you face to face...this is what I'd say.

2010-10-21T05:51:00.002-07:00

Dearest friends,

To be honest, I don't even know who I'm talking to. But to all of you "back home" -- or others interested -- this post is for you. :) It's been a while, hasn't it? I've had a great month or so, but very full and draining as well. I don't know why, but everything I've felt these past few weeks, I have felt deeply.

For one, I think I've been realizing how difficult it is to still feel connected to things "back home" my second year away. And it's so hard to know what I'm supposed to naturally let go of...and what I should fight to keep. In the midst of that, when all home front voices have seemed utterly quiet, I've been wrestling with making decisions about my future...in Thailand and beyond.

Last Friday, I turned in my "resignation" for next school year. It doesn't come as a surprise to me, I guess, and probably not to you either. But it was still a very thought-out, prayed over thing that meant a great deal to me. I have not taken my time here at ICS lightly, and I consider it an absolutely privilege to be serving here. God's peace has been abundant though, and I am SO grateful. As for next year, wow. I can't even guess.

When I sit in God's presence and seek Him, I sense this unbelievable calling to surrender. I sense that He's asking me to be open...to stop limiting Him and the plans He has for me...to pursue Him alone. And do I know what it means? No! Is it a little scary? Yeah, except that I know this loving God who compels me to follow...and I can't even help but trust Him with my life.

So as appealing as it is to assume a return to Puyallup, to teaching elementary and the life I knew before...I can't seem to feel right about it anymore. It really doesn't mean anything either way. God just hasn't made it clear yet. And I guess I'm telling you all this, because I value your prayers and your support and your love in my life. My heart aches in knowing that changes areagain heading my way, and yet I am so moved by God and so hungry for more of Him, that I'm convinced wherever He's leading me is worth it.

...On the lighter side, I've been crazy-blessed with joyful times and sweet relationships this fall (well, rainy season for us).

Here are just a few snapshots of life as I know it in Bangkok!

This is me with me with my dear friends, Kim and K-Dub (Kristi W.) and new friends too. We had just completed Bangkok's "Vertical Marathon" by climbing the Banyan Tree Hotel's 63 flights of stairs. (And just so you know, it's not as hard as it sounds. You could totally do it!)

Me and Miriam at a rockin' costume party the other night, thanks to hostesses Lindsey, Lindsay, Heidi and Miriam! (Cape compliments of my sweet little bro, Nicholas. Thanks, man!!)

A couple weeks ago, I got the awesome blessing of going to Khao Yai, Thailand for the first time. My friends Mutarica, O, and Sumalee took me to this waaaay cool place called, Palio...AKA Thailand's "Little Italy"! So fun, and to make matters better, O and Sumalee took bunches of photos to commemorate the occasion. This one was at the gardens in the shopping plaza.

Here we are, on the streets of Palio. What a treat it was! :)

And these are my wonderful and precious prayer/accountability partners, Catherine and Karly! How deeply I treasure their support and encouragement!

So there ya have it. Holly's life in a nutshell. :) Sending my love to you all and praying you are well. I can't wait until heaven, when distance will never again separate. But until then, may we rest in the grace He has for us.

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love." [Yet/Switchfoot]

2010-10-03T02:55:00.000-07:00

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:7

I can think of lots of things that make loving people hard. Having patience all the time? Hard. Being kind no matter what? Double hard. Forgiving every hurt and every bad decision? Unbelievably hard. Yet when I read 1 Corinthians 13, do you know what line really gets to me?

Love always hopes.

Yes, love always hopes. I don't know the ways people have hurt you or disappointed you in your life, but I do know that, for me, when someone causes pain, the last thing I want to do is hope. I don't want to hope they've changed, or hope things will get better, or hope that the relationship is restored. I just want to guard my heart...and move on.

And what's wrong with that, right? This always hoping thing seems a bit counter-intuitive; it sounds kind of like an I'm-just-a-doormat kind of Christianity that subjects us to a vicious cycle of hope and disappointment.

Yet I know, that can't be right either.

The God I know doesn't want us to stay in hurtful situations or to hold onto destructive relationships. In fact, God allows us space to heal, and He's often the One who provides us deliverance in due time. Hoping doesn't always mean staying, and it simply can't mean enabling...nor does it ever mean compromising what is right.

So what does it mean then?

Maybe always hoping (like everything else, really,) comes down to our hearts. Maybe it doesn't look any certain way. Maybe it means we choose grace over bitterness, even if it's from afar. And maybe it means we choose prayer over apathy, and kindness over revenge. Maybe it means hoping, because we believe in a God who can change the hardest of hearts, who can heal the incurable, who can make beauty from ashes...Hoping, because even after a thousand disappointments, His great love will still be enough.

It's a costly thing to do. But when I look to the cross and the Love that saved me, I'm reminded that really loving people always is.

This one was born in Zion.

2010-09-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

He has set his foundation on the holy mountain;

the Lord loves the gates of Zion

more than all the dwellings of Jacob

Glorious things are said of you, oh City of God:

"I will record Rahab and Babylon

among those who acknowledge me --

Phillistia too, and Tyre, along with Cush --

and will say, 'This one was born in Zion.' "

Indeed, of Zion it will be said,

"This one and that one were born in her,

and the Most High Himself will establish her."

The Lord will write in the register of the peoples:

"This one was born in Zion."

As they make music they will sing,

"All my fountains are in you."

-Psalm 87

Jesus lifted me out of the mud.

He brushed off the dirt

and carried me in His arms.

He looked in my eyes and said,

This one was born in Zion.

I feel like I don't belong,

because I belong in the City of my God.

Zion is my birthright, my inheritance, my home.

On being a woman, pt. 3: What I learned from watching The Bachelorette

2010-09-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

I know what you’re thinking – really, Holly? Is this what things have come to?

…

Okay, so I’m the first to admit that reality TV is the last place to look for, well, realistic (or wholesome) inspiration, but leave it to me to find some deep hidden truth while watching a bunch of lovesick men fight over one dramaful girl on a Tahitian beach.

The truth is, after Season 1 (when Ryan and Trista convinced us that maybe one can find true love on primetime television), I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for The Bachelorette. And so, while I don’t agree with all the content, somehow I found myself watching it again this summer.

As I watched, I wondered, what does it take to win a girl’s heart on this thing? And as the number of potential candidates dwindled, I saw one element that every guy left seemed to have. The final contenders weren’t necessarily the most attractive, or even the most impressive, but they were the men who had the courage to open their hearts and just risk it. They didn’t know where it would take them, and there was a good chance that any one of them would be booted off by the next round of dates. But for whatever reason, these particular guys felt the freedom to love (if you wanna call it that) and to pursue the things they hoped for (in front of the whole world, mind you).

And then I started to think.

If these guys can do it, what about us? Shouldn’t we as Christians, more than anyone else, be people who walk in that kind of freedom? The freedom that takes risks and chases dreams and dares to love – even if it’s not returned? We submit to a sovereign God who prepares us for our dreams, who protects us from our own frailty. (Of course, I imagine our dreams won’t lead us to finding a spouse on a reality show… but still.) What does it look like to honor God with our desires – especially the desire to get married?

I think that people a while ago had this great idea of telling young women to stop chasing marriage. They told us that singleness is a gift. They told us that if God wants us to be married, it will just happen. And I’m not being sarcastic; people needed to hear those things. But this God-given grace to find contentment in singleness is the same grace that offers freedom to hope and desire. Either way, we’re in His hands. Either way, He’s the One who satisfies.

So as I sat there this summer, watching the Bachelorette break these poor guys’ hearts, I knew that my own newly-awakened desires just couldn’t be ignored anymore. That’s not walking in faith or freedom. That’s walking in fear. Sure, we may not end up where we planned, but think about it: even the runners-up on The Bachelorette often get their own follow-up show. …So can you just imagine what kinds of things God has in store when we open up our hearts and trust Him with our desires?

Related posts (though they don't go together quite as well as I'd imagined...)

On being a woman, pt. 1

On being a woman, pt 2: the personal spin

On being a woman, pt. 2: the personal spin

2010-08-28T08:05:00.001-07:00

Sorry this second post has been so delayed. As I've tried to put my thoughts together, I've also realized how much I'm in mid-process with a lot of this stuff! To see Part 1 click here.

I must admit, I've only scratched the surface on understanding and reclaiming all that was lost in the "monument shift" of growing up. And as much as I believe in God's love for me, I'm still uncovering old lies from the enemy, especially in regard to my femininity.

In recent years, I quietly backed away from the world of womanhood. I avoided conversations with guys and created excuses to miss formal events. I stopped thinking about how to look pretty, and I turned away from fancy dresses and nice jewelry. Oh sure, some of it was an attempt at contentment and humility, but also some of it was just me guarding my heart and avoiding my fiercest insecurities. To God's credit alone I am getting much better, but as He continues to redeem every part of me, I've realized that those lies not only caused me great unrest, they also took captive my deepest longings.

This summer, it seemed the whole theme of my conversations revolved around being a woman. I talked with wives and moms and newlyweds. I talked with those who are single, and those who are dating, and those who are engaged. We discussed the sweet sacrifice of having a family, the reality of marriage, and the reasons why there are so many single people these days. Throughout those weeks, I also had the joy of living life with many families. I sat at several dinner tables. I watched spouses interact and make decisions. I observed the exhausting yet beautiful ways of parenting.

And in the midst of it all, I realized something.

I want it.

Yes -- the marriage, the family, the kids, the sacrifice. I want it all.

Of course, this is not surprising. I'm a single, 25 year old woman. I grew up like most girls, playing house in my nightgown and dreaming up names for my potential children. Yet while I've never decided otherwise, somewhere in the midst of life and loss, sometime after the "monumental shift" of growing up, I sort of "shelved" those dreams.

But now. Now that I've seen the healing work of God in my life and relationships. Now that I've drop-kicked so many of those fears and insecurities, I am faced with these hopes that all this time were entangled in the lies.

And right away I remembered why it's just so much easier to ignore these types of things.

For, as with any desire so close to our hearts, God can do what He wants. He can fulfill it...or He can wait. And to be quite honest with you all, both of those possibilities scare me a great deal.

Hmmm...it seems I may just need a Part 3...

Great Expectations

2010-08-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Me with several new ICS teachers at Koh Samed!

SO, having an un-working camera means stealing photos from other people. (This is when we say thank goodness for Facebook, right?) Anyway, last weekend several of us took a delightful trip to the beach since we had four days off! And even getting stung by a stinkin' jellyfish-type animal thing my first ten minutes in the water couldn't stop me from enjoying myself!

We just finished our first full week of school. My voice is gone (what else is new?), but other than that I think we made it through unscathed! :) Already we've had some student ministry events too, which I must say, are maybe the most worthwhile things I'm a part of here. It's hard stepping into a world of opportunities overseas and knowing where you're meant to serve. I juggled a bazillion things last year and tried out every possible way I could be useful. And I've come to the conclusion that I just need to bloom where I'm planted. Being a part of ICS and their ministry to students and families here, building relationships with the kids I teach and showing them Jesus -- I think that's enough for me. Maybe not as exciting as other things I could be doing in Bangkok, Thailand...but I really believe it's what God has for me in this season -- and what I have most enjoyed!

Me, Kristi, and Kristi at ICS' Back to School Bash

(square-dancing w/middle schoolers in Thailand = too much fun!!)

And, hey, did I mention the best part about my new place? It comes with a roommate!! It's quite the perk -- especially for an extrovert like me! :D Tawnya and I both taught 6th grade last year, and now she's teaching 4th grade at ICS. (Sorry she's not pictured below, hehe. But, this is our apartment. We just bought the furniture from a teacher we work with.)

Last of all, I just want to reiterate that our God is amazing. I'll save the details for another day, but He has brought me so much healing, and so much hope, and so much growth in the past year. I don't know if I've ever felt more at peace or more secure. I look forward to what He has in store every day, with great expectations.

Ready...set...GO!

2010-08-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

And we're off! Another fantastic summer has passed me by, and already my second school year in Bangkok has begun this week! It's kind of weird when 17 hour flights become normal and I can jump from one world to the next without hardly thinkin' about it.

So...sad side-note: I think my camera's broken, and so my blog as of now will be picture-less for a time, it seems.

Other than that, just wanting to keep you all at home posted on the latest...

My time in America was more than I could ask for (except that I didn't make it to Montana, sad). I got to attend Karshner Field Day, visit with dear friends in Oregon and Washington, spend quality time with my mom, have a brothers-only birthday, and soak in the amazingly mild summer weather! Ahhhh! I never felt hot once.

I'm teaching 6th grade language arts/social studies again this year, and YES, it's nice teaching the same thing and feeling ahead of the game for once! (We'll see how long that lasts!) Year four of teaching -- it's gotta get easier, right?

I have moved to an apartment building right next to school with my friend, Tawnya. It's convenient and a nice little living space. My bedroom kind of reminds me of college life again -- it has that on-a-budget, this-is-temporary feel, haha.

Ways you can be praying...

Pray for ICS, my school. Pray that God moves mightily this year and transforms the lives of students and families as they come to know the love and truth of the Gospel. It's an awesome ministry we have here, and I'm just overwhelmed by the privilege to serve in this way.

Pray for Thailand. Pray for continued peace, and for the church in Thailand. Pray that Jesus is made known here and that the hopeless find hope in Him.

Pray for me, as I make my decision to stay in Thailand or go back home next year. We have to decide by the start of December, and while I'm rather certain I'm meant to go home, please pray for continued clarity and peace in this decision!

Can't believe where God has taken me since last summer (and I don't just mean the location!).

I pray that He's taking you places you never imagined and increasing your faith too, as you seek and follow Him.

Pics from the summer!!!

25 things I’ve learned (or decided) in 25 years…

2010-07-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

My fortune cookie from yesterday, can you believe it? What luck!

Extend grace.
Always assume the best until proven otherwise.
Do it when you think of it, or you’ll just forget.
God’s will is not a place, but a state of heart.
There is beauty in brokenness.
Seriously, don’t play ball in the house.
Be frugal so you can be generous.
Eternity changes everything.
I may pretend, but I am not in control.
If you didn’t remember you had it, just get rid of it.
Always have a spare key handy.
Honesty in relationships could actually change the world.
It’s best not to use sound effects in a classroom full of 2^nd grade boys.
If you can’t love who they are, love who they were meant to be.
It’s all about balance.
Say what you need to say.
Wherever you are, be there (and not just literally).
Practice thankfulness…every day.
Choose faith over fear.
Peanut butter really does go with just about everything.
Insecurities and weaknesses lose power when shared.
If you’re not sure, just ask.
Valleys never last forever.
Sometimes the process is more important than the product.
The best is yet to come.

On being a woman, pt. 1

2010-07-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

In writing this, I’m not trying to be original. In fact, I’ve read enough to know I’m not original, hah. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this summer, and I believe God is challenging me to relook at this whole idea of what it means to be a woman. In trying to be content with what I’ve been given – mediocre fashion skills, too many cooking mishaps, not enough dating prospects – I think I’ve flipped the switch on my God-given, womanly desires and let them sit a while in the dark. But now, God’s beckoning me to reopen them and, shoot, why not share what I’m learning along the way? Maybe at some point you’ll know just what I’m talking about! :)

I have this theory that something absolutely monumental happens during adolescence -- and no, I'm not talking about mood swings or shaving woes. It's more than that. It’s kind of like “the fall of man” coming to fruition in our own lives and stories.

If you grew up in a fairly healthy environment, you probably remember being that carefree, confident, pre-adolescence kid who didn’t worry about how you measured up to everyone else. You said what you thought. You knew what you liked. You felt just as pretty in your jammies as you did wearing your Sunday best.

And then, the monumental shift.

I was kind of a late-bloomer with all this adolescence stuff, so for me, it wasn’t until about 6^th grade. I always had lots of friends and always felt confident socially – you could have even called me a leader among my peers. But things turned on me that year. Instead of thinking I was funny, people started calling me “annoying” – ouch. And then there was that moment, when I looked into the mirror and realized how totally whack my fashion sense was. I stood there in horror, asking myself, Why am I still wearing headbands and turtle necks?

I imagine it’s the way Adam and Eve felt when they realized they were naked in the Garden. All of a sudden, they were aware of every flaw, every inadequacy, every failure.

And from that point on, these nagging insecurities followed them everywhere, taunting them with vicious lies.

You’re not good enough. Cover yourself.

Even your Father in heaven does not accept you. Hide from him.

Suddenly, knowing our family’s love for us is not enough, and we become consumed by a need to feel affirmed and to prove our worth to the world. (Of course, if you grew up questioning your family’s love for you in the first place, these realizations probably happened even sooner.) It seems that once “the fall” has been awakened within each one of us, we spend the rest of our lives combating the lies and recovering what was lost.

And for us, as women, I think one of the first things the enemy tries to steal is our femininity…our identity as cherished daughters and lovely brides.

To be continued...

In His hands

2010-06-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

Don't you turn away from me

Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands

And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
[Bebo Norman, In Your Hands]

People say that moving overseas is a brave thing to do. They say, Oh Holly, you're so brave -- to travel across the world, to live among people you've never met, to work in a completely new culture. And it's funny, because -- well, first of all -- I'm not that brave. When people are asked to describe me, that word never comes up. Seriously. The other funny thing is, the absolute scariest part of moving to Thailand wasn't about the culture, or the job, or even the weird food. In fact, it wasn't about Thailand at all...but about all the things I was leaving behind.

I've mentioned it before, how special Washington is to my heart. Leaving behind relationships, and my place on the recall list, and my beginnings in Puyallup... Now that was downright scary. Would I come back to things the same? Would I be able to come back at all? It was like leaving all the things that made me feel most secure, which is exactly what Jesus was asking of me. Not because He didn't want those things for me, but because He wanted my whole heart.

Trust Me, He'd say.

So after an amazing year of growing and seeing God like never before, I was still very anxious to get back to Puyallup this summer...and I especially wondered what God would reveal in that time. I had two fears coming into the trip. One, I feared that things had changed a lot in a year; maybe I would sense a disconnect and a beckoning to move on. Though I was prepared for that, I prayed it was not so. Second, I feared enjoying Puyallup so much that I wouldn't even want to return to Bangkok for another year. I tell ya, I just love that place.

Anyway, it's awesome, because instead of those fears becoming a reality, God again proved His faithfulness despite my uncertainty. I loved every moment of my three weeks in Puyallup. I got to spend quality time with dear friends and with families that bring me so much joy. I went to the beach, the zoo, the malls, the Mountain....consumed BBQ-ed ribs, and steaks, and burgers, and chicken...had fantastic conversations and exchanged encouraging words...received hugs from children I adore.

Yet, I didn't feel tempted to stay right there. I didn't even feel a loss in leaving again. Instead, I felt a deep confidence in God's great sovereignty and love for me. It was like He said, See, Holly? Everything you place in My hands is safe. You can trust me.

I still don't know what's to come. I've no idea what life will look like in another year. But I do know that, for now, God has not shut the door between me and Puyallup; instead He's preserved all the things I love most. And while it can seem kind of scary, I'm even more convinced that the only place I want to be...is in His hands.

Now I know.

2010-05-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

In just one year...

I have seen the sun rise over the Himalayas…and swam with the sea turtles of Hawaii…and danced alongside Nepali friends…and ziplined through the jungles of Thailand…and sailed around the mountainous islands of Halong Bay in Vietnam.

…Our God is a God who creates in beauty and majesty.

I have heard the stories of a God who sends His people to a hurting world, who redeems trafficked women, who rescues the prisoners, who brings orphans to a long-awaited home.

…Our God is a God who delivers the broken, the hurting, the lonely – and He uses His people to do it.

I have felt the embrace of friends I just met, been lifted by prayers said across the ocean, and worshiped with brothers and sisters of different tongues and cultures.

Our God is a God who binds us in unity and calls us each his children.

I have eaten rubutan and dragon fruit, and curry of every color. I’ve shopped at the markets, and in the eight-story malls, and on the bustling streets. I’ve ridden planes to new continents, taxis, buses, and tuk-tuks in Bangkok rush hour, and even trains, boats and subways too. I have missed flights due to flat tires, and late-arriving visas, and almost due to an overweight suitcase. I have missed school due to flooding, and due to an H1N1 outbreak, and even due to political unrest.

Our God is a God who provides….graciously and abundantly.

I have heard the voice of God in the quiet of my sleep, and I’ve felt the hand of God when letting go was just too hard, and I’ve tasted the goodness of God through the gift of rich relationships.

Our God is a God who pursues us with extravagant love.

Join me in worshiping our God, for He is worthy.

things we never talk about

2010-05-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

I think one of Satan's greatest tactics is to get God's people, or anybody really, to avoid pressing issues and difficult questions. He keeps us from thinking about deep things when we're alone, and he keeps us from talking about deep things when we're together. He makes us feel awkward...or ridiculous...or downright crazy. I mean, think about how many times in a day you stop yourself from saying or doing something simply because you're afraid of how people will respond, or you stop yourself from thinking something, because you don't know where those thoughts will take you. The flow of culture and the social pressures we face have such a powerful hold on us.

It reminds me of that part in C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, when the guy is sitting in a museum (I think?) and begins to wonder about life and God and all the things that really matter. But then, suddenly, he remembers he's hungry, and there ends the pursuit for truth. Later, he says. When I'm not so hungry or when I have more time. He exchanges thoughts on eternal matters...for thoughts on cheeseburgers. Good grief.

Really, though, it makes sense, right? Of course we face the most resistance when thinking about or talking about the things that really matter.

Even as I write this, I must admit, I'm a little nervous. What if I say something that makes people feel awkward, or makes me look like a fool? And, call me crazy, but that right there tells me it's something that probably needs to be said.

You see, I think this kind of fear runs far deeper than we realize. And, I think, it's often the thing that keeps us from experiencing God more deeply and from seeing real, authentic fellowship. Sometimes I feel so attached to the "social norm" of Christianity that when God asks me to think outside of that box, or challenges me to do something different, I'm tempted to just say no. Oh God, doesn't that seem too "radical"? Will I be understood? And really, what will people think? But then, I am cut to the heart, and I realize that I, too, am exchanging the eternal for foolish and fleeting alternatives. Okay, maybe not for cheeseburgers this time, but for the approval of others, or for the sake of fitting in, or to simply protect my own reputation.

I hate the thought of people not understanding me. It's like the worst. But if that's the thing keeping me from deeper intimacy with God, then it'll have to go.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you wonder these same things? What is God calling you to think about, or say, or do that doesn't quite fit into the "social norm"? Maybe you're supposed to consider questions you don't know the answers to, or maybe it's all about bringing up conversations that might make people feel uncomfortable, or maybe, you're just meant to stand when everyone around you is sitting.

Whatever it is, you're really being asked to defy the lies of the Enemy and to take a risk of faith, whether other people get it....or not.

unanswered questions

2010-05-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

A strange sight: empty streets of Bangkok after Wednesday night's curfew time of 8pm

(photo compliments of Bangkok Post).

Wow, what a week it's been here in Bangkok! Just a little recap for those I haven't talked to:

...School was canceled Monday and Tuesday, as the downtown protests escalated and the army got more involved in the crack-down.

...Wednesday, we continued with school, but by the end of the day, our classes had dwindled to a handful of students -- mainly the kids who live closer to the school where it's still relatively safe.

...Now, school has been canceled for the rest of the week. At first it seemed a little strange, since yesterday afternoon the protests finally were broken up and many Red Shirt leaders surrendered. But soon after the announcement, we started hearing rumors of fires. Turns out some Red Shirt radicals (or others?) decided to torch several buildings in the city.

...All of the area banks and malls closed Wed. afternoon. Then, a curfew on the whole city of Bangkok was announced for the evening, from 8pm to 6am.

...Several prominent buildings have been set on fire (none particularly close to us, though some of them we visit often). One of the best malls we have in the city -- and one of the largest malls in Asia -- was completely destroyed by the flames. It's unbelievable. (This mall was already empty and has been closed for weeks, because it was very close to the protest site.)

...Things are pretty quiet now, and the curfew will continue for the next few days, just in case.

So that's the latest. Now, what do I think of all this? I wish I knew.

I feel really sad for Thailand. But it's a deep kind of sad that I don't even really understand. I feel like something very monumental happened yesterday, but there's no way for me to grasp what it all means. I want to walk in the unwavering hope and joy of knowing that God surely is moving among us and is doing great things here even though it doesn't look like it. But I also want to honor the loss and sadness of the Thai people who call this place home, for it seems the face of Thailand has changed forever.

And through all of this, even deeper questions have come to challenge my heart. What do we pray for, as we pray for the nations and ask for God's will to be done among us? What do we hope for, as we live in a broken world, and as eternity awaits us? What does it look like to follow Jesus whole-heartedly -- all barriers removed -- and to be broken for the things He is broken for, to love what He loves? Maybe most people never really know, this side of heaven.

And the most haunting question, do I want to know?

*See more photos from yesterday's events at this link: http://www.vaitor.com/?p=1686

Echoes of Eternity: finding where we belong

2010-04-25T02:05:00.000-07:00

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.

And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

-1 Kings 19: 11-12

Our last night on the trail, Nirmala, our dear and beautiful Nepali guide, shared with us the kind of impression we made on her and the other porters that week. Her words summed up the trip in so many ways.

“The way you all act, you act like you’re a family,” she said. Then, she added, “and when we’re with you, we feel like part of that family too.”

In that moment, I knew we had been part of something very precious…and very eternal.

I understood what Nirmala meant, for there is just something about the feeling of community that speaks to the human heart. It seems like, within all of us, is the desire and hunger to be part of something bigger than ourselves....to belong. And when that's made real, when love is sincere and hearts are united, there simply may not be a better way to reflect God's Kingdom Come on earth. Such moments are echoes of things eternal. They’re those times when the things of earth – if only in passing – mingle with those of eternity, when our great and powerful God reaches down from Heaven and speaks right into our very souls.

In Nepal, these echoes cried out to us everywhere. God's hand was upon us through the sweetness of Christ-centered fellowship and belonging. Even the first night was memorable in this way. We all came together and sang worship songs by candlelight, sipping masala tea; it was so fun, we could hardly stop. And then, we broke out into a Nepali dance party – including porters, travelers, even the restaurant owners.

For me, all of this struck an especially softened chord within my heart. After growing up in a twice-broken family and moving several times, it seems my whole life has been characterized by this pursuit for belonging. And yet these “echoes of eternity” we speak of have simply never been enough. See, the trouble is, echoes will always only be echoes. They don’t satisfy our deepest desires; they simply arouse them, for they were only meant to point us to something greater. As I considered my own heart that night, I was convicted in realizing how many times I have taken to chasing those echoes, trying to fill eternal places with earthly things – even when I know it’s futile.

In the next several mornings, five words from Paul in 2 Corinthians would not leave my mind: Having nothing, yet possessing everything. I thought about them as I leapt over rocks, and as I marched up the steps of our trail. I meditated on them as I crossed streams, and bridges, and waterfalls…very aware of how accurately the words described my life. It’s true, I have nothing I had set out to find. I have nothing I imagined God would bring to show me His love and answer my cry for belonging. I thought it would come in family, or in a hometown, or in a church. I thought He’d speak through stability and long-lasting relationships. Yet none of those things I have claim to today. And as I skipped down the trail, the core of my being knew that somehow it didn’t matter.

There I was, in the mountains of Nepal with a group of people I didn’t even know a year ago…and my heart was so full. There I stood, future unknown and wide open...yet in the firm and steady hands of my Provider. How could I not trust this God, who brings me gifts I don’t even ask for, relationships I don’t expect, joys I never knew of? While nothing tangible can be written beside my name, my great Father has provided for every hope and prayer and need. What am I doing, chasing the echoes, when I know the One who calls?

And somewhere in the middle of the trek, in awestruck surrender, I gave up my pursuit.

Throughout the trip, and even once I got home, that verse stuck with me: having nothing, yet possessing everything. So when I could, I decided to look it up in the Greek; I wanted to see if the verb “having” was any different from the verb “possessing.”

I navigated my way through…Crosswalk.com…Bible study tools…Greek lexicon…2 Corinthians 6:10….

I read about the first verb and how it’s related more to earthly things, things that one could claim or literally hold – whether property, or a marriage, or a state of mind. Then I read about the second verb, “possessing,” which is more active and all about holding back something, or securing something for the long run.

It was all very interesting, but none of that really struck me quite as much as when the page for the word “having” first uploaded. In fact, I blinked twice, a little confused by what I saw before me. For lo and behold, at the top of the page, in big, bold letters was the word…echo.

The Greek word for that verb, “having,” is the word echo. Echo, can you believe it?

And then it all made sense.

The homes and property and earthly wealth? All just another echo.

Marriage? Family? Friendships? Echo. Echo. Echo.

All the things in our hands and those our senses experience. Simply more echoes.

Our final evening in Nepal was spent at a trust home for over 80 orphans, mostly from Tibet. They had no claim to any country, or home, or family. Yet these children knew the love of God and had each experienced His redemptive work in their young lives. I had the crazy and unexpected privilege of sharing my heart with these orphans that night. And of course, what would God have me say but answer the question, “Where do I belong?” As the Spirit-inspired words spilled from my lips, I knew this message was just as much for me as it was for them. And as we sang in worship with these phenomenal children, I even wondered if a “real” home and family could produce such rich and beautiful echoes of eternity.

Nepal in pictures

2010-04-24T07:53:00.001-07:00

Hi friends, I just returned from a phenomenal trip to Nepal on Monday, and to be honest, I am even still pretty moved and overwhelmed by all the beauty and joy we experienced there.

So, I know this is a first, but I kind of feel a bit speechless right now.

I know many of you will want to see pictures and such, so I've compiled some pictures my dear friends took of our journey...and I'll let the pictures do the talking...

More to come on Nepal, I promise...

Another day of (un)rest: the situation in Thailand

2010-03-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Reporting from Bangkok, here. Maybe you've heard the rumors about political unrest in Thailand, so I wanted to explain the situation...AND especially make clear that WE ARE SAFE. ICS is quite far from any of the demonstration areas. In fact, for us, these major protests have meant a quiet weekend close to home, and now, a day off school (tomorrow).

Here are a couple links about what's happening:

BBC News, 'Red' protesters demand Thailand PM resigns

Bangkok Post site

Of course, there is always potential for things to go awry, so do be praying for peace and safety to continue. We also pray that the government here will make wise decisions and that all of this will result in real solutions. As a foreigner, I humbly admit that I don't fully understand all that's going on, or what to pray for regarding politics. So, most of all, please pray that political unrest moves people to spiritual unrest...and that in seeking peace and stability, the people of Thailand find true peace through Jesus Christ.

I'm feeling convicted tonight about how I allow my unbelief to stifle prayers and downsize dreams. Who are we to decide what is possible? How can we even limit our prayers or expectations to what our finite minds can imagine? In other words, may we pray in faith that God is doing something GREAT here in Thailand, and around our world, and even within our own hearts.

Until next time, this is your very own correspondent from Bangkok, signing off...

An Ode to Mai Pen Rai

2010-03-06T05:29:00.000-08:00

mai pen rai [my pen lie] -Thai phrase, meaning, never mind; don't worry about it; oh well. This phrase quite accurately explains many aspects of the lifestyle and attitudes of the Thai culture.

An Ode to Mai Pen Rai

Dirty floors, blackened feet.

broken shoes from this concrete.

Another day of endless heat.

Mai pen rai

People cutting me in line,

Cannot read “cash only” sign.

Wish the language here was mine.

Mai pen rai

People think that I speak Thai.

And when I look for clothes to buy,

They say, “Too small for you – no try!”

Ohhh….mai pen rai

Streets are full, no garbage cans.

Always late, a change of plans.

Where’s someone who understands?

MAI PEN RAI!

Mosquitoes biting

Soi dogs fighting

I could keep writing…

Mai pen rai

…

...

…

But even here God’s in control,

And in His care, I place my soul.

To know His Love...my only goal.

Smile. Breathe. Trust and pray.

For at the end of every day,

He always gives me grace to say…

Mai…pen…rai.

*Please note, this poem was not meant to be negative -- more like...silly! Just thought I'd share some of the frustrations of Bangkok life. Keepin' it real. :)

Things you don't see every day...

2010-03-01T03:58:00.000-08:00

6th graders...on the loose

Last week, we had the awesome privilege of taking our lovely 6th graders on a mini-missions trip/field trip/cultural experience. The 6th grade SALT (Serving And Learning Together) trip stays right in Bangkok, but don't you worry, we still found some new and memorable experiences along the way! This picture was taken at our first stop -- The Ancient City, a park/museum with replicas of some very well-known landmarks in Thailand's history.

On with the highlights...

Superheroes...roaming the halls

Our great theme for the SALT trip was Superheroes! All of our 6th graders were part of some intense Superhero-training. In fact, that's one of the guest trainers, Miss Super Hollywood the Magnificent (don't ask). Students learned that the first step to being a real superhero is knowing that you need one too. We all need to be rescued, and Jesus is the only Hero fit for the job. :)

Painting elephants

And dancing elephants, and sitting elephants, and hungry elephants...all at Bangkok's famous Crocodile Farm. Maybe not the most impressive zoo I've been to, but it certainly was a cultural experience. Never been to a zoo where the kids can feed tigers and bears raw meat. Hmmm.

Crocodiles who could bite someone's head off...but don't

Of course, what's a crocodile farm without crocodiles? Sorry, the performers did some cooler things -- like sticking their heads in the crocodiles' mouths, but I only got video of that (and the video's sideways and I don't know how to fix it). Oh well, use your imagination.

Homework + Field Trip = Really??

Okay, so it's kind of our fault as teachers, because we gave the kids a packet to complete throughout the week. But who sits in the middle of the gift shop, during the field trip, to get it done? ...Our students, that's who. Oh, they amaze me.

Smiling servants

So I know I've been raving about these kids all year, and no, they're not perfect (far from it, hehe). BUT, wow, we were richly blessed by their hearts and attitudes at our outreach. We took the superheroes-in-training to a local elderly home. They served lunch, performed a Talent Show, and best of all, befriended the residents at the home with sweet smiles and good conversations.

One last thing you don't see every day -- 6th graders singing a Thai song with hand motions to a room full of elderly people. Can't beat that! (P.S. Sorry if this video hurts your head; I'm no cameraman.)

Last of all, some final glimpses of the trip. Thank you, Jesus, for keeping us safe, helping us bond, and showing us more of Yourself through our worship and serving and relationships!! Yeeaaah!

To Like or To Love?

2010-02-26T11:45:00.001-08:00

One of my greatest pet peeves is hearing that old Christian cliche, "Well, you don't have to like everybody; you just have to love 'em." Do people still say that? Something like it, right? It's just funny, because, think about it -- have you ever felt loved by someone who didn't like you? I guess it's possible, but even if you have, was it a weak, human kind of love...or the life-giving, world-changing kind of love God commands us to give?

Maybe I'm not making sense, because you know full well that it's just not possible to like everybody in the world. Even "loving" them is a stretch. To this, I totally agree. So I humbly suggest a new response for all the difficult, unlikeable people we come across -- a revision to the old saying, if you will: "You don't have to like who they are right now, but you sure can like who they're meant to be." Right?

As Christians, we believe some radical things about people. Like, wow, we believe that everyperson was made in the image of our great God and Creator. What's more, we believe that this very same Creator knit each of us together perfectly and beautifully. Amazing. On the other hand, we believe that sin has entered the world and has distorted every part of creation, even seeping into the depths of each heart. The ugliness? No one can fathom. And ever since the Fall, we've been trying to re-discover the people we were made to be in the first place.

Oh, I wish I could say I was good at liking the unlikeable, but the truth is, I write this today because of the darkness of my own heart -- the darkness I see so easily...in others. I've been critical and impatient and unloving. I've set out to examine and "fix" the people around me, instead of enjoying them. I've let their flaws point me to the sin nature in all of us, instead of seeing the imperfections as a mere reflection of what's meant to be.

Jesus said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34-35)

Oh Father, teach us how.

taking flight

2010-02-13T01:09:00.000-08:00

gibbon [gib-uh n] -noun small, slender, long-armed ape of the East Indies and Southern Asia

Last weekend, we visited "The Flight of the Gibbons," a 24-platform zipline course through the jungles just outside of Bangkok. We got to swing from treetop to treetop, just like little monkeys -- except that we could glide around hands-free! Gotta love the safety harness and cables. :D Always wanted to try ziplining, so it was super exciting!! I know, now you wish you had come. So here's a video to make you feel just like you were there. (Sorry I kind of scream like a pansy.)

Then, we visited this open zoo, where some of the animals (tigers included) were only a small wooden fence away from us. A little different from the hyper-safe zoos in the states -- but, hey, much easier for picture-taking! Doesn't that tiger guy look like he wants to bite someone's head off? Hehe.

All in all, another great "tourist" type outing. Love it. More pics below. Enjoy!

fighting normal

2010-02-04T05:10:00.000-08:00

I always knew it would happen. I knew that, eventually, the excitement would wear out and this great "adventure" I embarked on six months ago would actually become everyday life. It would finally, one day, become my new normal.

But, it's actually been more of a challenge than I expected, because, really, leaving home and losing what you love is much easier in the name of adventure...or sacrifice...or, even, recklessness. But leaving it all for...normal? That's no fun.

The funny thing is, the story that brought me here and the great God who provided have not changed. It seems that only I have. Again, His grace has grown old and again, I find myself following comfort instead of convictions...yes, even in Thailand.

How easily we forget, even in the midst of going, and giving, and serving.

You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.

Revelation 2:3-4a

May we remember that complacency is not intentional; it's where we all end up unless we do something about it.

Some praises and prayers...

Praying for how to use my time here well. I'm involved in many ministries and such, but I don't know where to really invest. Longing to make some deeper impact somewhere...

God is doing an awesome work at my church here, Evangelical Church of Bangkok. Our new pastor just arrived last week and I really sense a renewed energy and passion in the congregation -- so stinkin' exciting! Praise God! Oh and guess what I realized?? With the time change, I go to church in Bangkok at the same time my church back home is having their service (Calvary's Saturday night service). It's like, across the miles, we are still worshiping our God together. Crazy cool.

Our school raised thousands of dollars for Haiti, and we're still praying for how to be a part of what God's doing over there -- as well as how to meet the needs of those all around us here. Maybe you're praying the same thing wherever you are.

Looks like I get the phenomenal joy of traveling to Nepal with some friends this April!! We're going to do a week-long trek, admiring God's beautiful creation...namely, the Himalayas! :D

It's and...not or.

2010-01-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

My parents divorced when I was young, and ever since, I've had this loyalty complex. As kids, it was mostly about mom vs. dad, but over time it extended into other relationships and situations. Like, for instance, don't be surprised if I come to visit you and never leave your side. It's not that I'm needy. But if I decided to take a walk alone or make a phone call, I feel like I'm choosing that over being with you. Or, say you bought me a toothbrush but so did my brother. Even if your toothbrush was the best in the world, I couldn't use it first. I just couldn't pick that one over something my brother gave me. See what I mean?

This has plagued my heart often, because every time I move, I feel like one home is replacing another. And when I make new friends, I feel like I've picked them over the old ones. I resist embracing the new place, in fear that it's like shutting the door on the last place I called home.

I realize this is silly, so I'm learning how to shake this thing. I'm learning how to freely love all of the homes and friends and families I've come to know. I'm learning how to choose a location, or hobby, or toothbrush (ha!) without making it personal. But it's not easy. I have to, like, re-program my brain.

So...just because I love Thailand, it doesn't mean I love America any less. And just because I'm living overseas, it doesn't mean I'm choosing that over my friends and family back home. ...Right?

I'm learning that it's and...not or.

In fact, I just left "home" in California to come back "home" to Bangkok. Had such a great time with family and feeling rather blessed by it. And just because I loved being there...it doesn't mean I can't enjoy being here!

Some highlights -- and be sure to check out the pictures below as well!

For only the second time ever, I got to spend Christmas with my whole California family (dad, stepmom, all four brother, and me!).
Then all of us went to Paso Robles for a few days, which included my first wine-tasting venture. :)
I spent New Year's with my little brothers, eating Coldstone ice cream and playing "Band Hero" in our living room. Great bonding.
My last night was, in fact, my twin brothers' 14th birthday! For the first time, I got to celebrate it with them. Shoot, they're growing up and all that!

America, here I come!

2009-12-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, everyone! I got to go ice-skating today, with my friend Tawnya, and even though I was dressed for summer (*sigh* 85 degrees today) ...it really felt like Christmas. Here's just a quick update on the latest happenings...

I am flying to L.A. on Monday morning -- can't believe it's been five months since I was in America. Wow. Looking forward to family, cheeseburgers, socks, clean(ish) air, white mochas, Target...

Even more wonderful than that, during our school's Christmas chapel, two of our sixth grade girls came to know Jesus! So stinkin' exciting! We're praying for them, as they grow and learn what it means to follow Him!

Last weekend, I got to talk on the phone with a bunch of you at the Karshner Christmas party!!! (For those who don't know, Karshner is the school I worked at last year. My friend, Sarah, passed around her phone so I could chat a bit with everyone!) It meant so much to me, catching up with you guys and hearing your voices! I miss you, friends!

a little bit of life in pictures...

Friends at the ICS Christmas party. (I helped decorate, what fun!)

Christmas pancake party! Complete with fresh fruit, great company, and The Muppet's Christmas Carol!

This about sums up my school week. Parties and book reports.

Out of control.

Love you all and am praying that you are filled with joy and peace this Christmas, as you remember the One who came for us and showed us real love. How I wish to know that Love more fully every day.

I don't need a dating service: confessions of a Christian single

2009-12-14T01:22:00.000-08:00

I'm 24 years old (and yes, I realize that's not very old). I'm a Christian. I'm single. And I'm tired of it. No, I'm not tired of being single. And of course I'm not tired of being a Christian...but put them together, and it just wears me out. I'm gonna try not to be cynical here, because quite frankly it's against my nature, and I'm kind of anti-critical. But...the church is deeply failing the singles population. That's just the plain truth.

I got so into this topic, I decided to do some research, Look at what I found:

41% of the US population is single (US Census 2005).

51% (yes, over half) of all US women live without a spouse (NY Times 2007).

If I'm doing the math right, over 46% of 20-40 year olds in America have never been married (US Census 2008).

Right away, we realize: 1) There are more of us than you think. 2) Singles cover a wide range of ages. 3) Just because you're older and single doesn't mean you're divorced. And yet, when you're single in the church, what are your options? Staying up late with the lively college group, going to "singles" events that translate into dating services, recovering with the older, single and divorced population... All great ministries, but is that really what most singles are looking for? I'm just one person, but if I'm anything like other singles, there are a couple things that need to be cleared up...

Just because I'm single, it doesn't mean I want to hang out with single people all the time. In fact, it probably means the opposite. At least for me, being single makes me crave stability all the more. And yet, we're placed in these "singles only" groups with a revolving door of people who move, or get married, or get bored. We're only invited to families' homes on holidays, when family is what we long for. I know it's awkward for single people to hang out with married people, but have you ever wondered if it's just because we're not used to it?

Marriage is not the solution. Yes, marriage is good, and who wants it? We all do. But, it's condescending and disrespectful to the singles population when we're expected to swim around, disconnected from the church body until we get married and "graduate" into the regular world of families. It seems more like people feel sorry for us all the time, instead of believing that we, too, have something to offer the church.

What's funny, the Barna research group finds that four out of five single adults would say they are Christian (2005). And yet, how many thriving and successful singles ministries can you think of?

Maybe it's about time we try something new and rethink the church's strategy (or non-strategy) in reaching the singles population. I mean, when I read about the New Testament church, I don't see anything about dividing the single and married people up. I don't see anything that says it's better to be married. In fact, many of the greatest early church leaders were single (and Paul even advocated for it). And the early church was all about community. It didn't matter if you were single, or married, or anything. If you were a believer, you were cared for and had a place to belong and serve.

I know that is still the message the church hopes to give singles. I know there's no one to blame for this failure and that all of this has come about by accident.

But it's time people do something.

So, singles, don't give up on the church. And married people, don't give up on singles. May it begin with us.

simple joys

2009-12-02T05:30:00.000-08:00

...Like decorating my own little plastic Christmas tree (pictured above), even though I'm miles and miles from "home." I bought the ornaments from the Thai craft fair, and I strung the popcorn myself (only took like THREE hours, haha).

...And continuing the holiday spirit right into my classroom, where the kids and I listened to Christmas music and made paper chains and snowflakes (not to mention the fake fireplace!). These kids are awesome! The room looks great --I gave them the plan and they made it happen! My students...they give me joy every day!

...Or celebrating with a dear friend (Karly) our common Korean heritage at ICS's annual "International Day." I even learned how to really say my given name: Mee Seong Lee = "E Mee Song" There were 26 different countries represented at the festival, which also included some fantastic performances and, of course, unbelievable food.

...Reconnecting with old friends in a foreign land. (This is me with Jill, the girl I knew in college who just happens to be living in Bangkok too right now!)

...Bonding with 6th graders. (That's my adorable homeroom class. Oh maybe adorable isn't a good 6th grade word...) In fact, we spent lots of time together this week, including a lock-in for the whole middle school (yes, that means they stayed all night and tried not to sleep, haha). What amazed me more than the kids' excitement were all the staff members who came, volunteering so much time and energy. ICS staff, you are legit! If that's not love, and if that's not serving Jesus...I don't know what is!

They will celebrate your abundant goodness

and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and rich in love.

The Lord is good to all;

he has compassion on all he has made.

The eyes of all look to You,

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand

and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

Psalm 145:7-9, 15-16

I just love this picture of God, opening His hand and setting before us all of our needs at the proper time. It tells me that He has purpose and timing in each gift He gives. It tells me that what I want and don't have is still securely in His grip. I know each of these really are such simple things, but to me, they have been little evidences of God's tender and thoughtful love for me. May we delight in the joys God has poured out to us, and may we proclaim His goodness to a hopeless and hurting world.

(Pictures below for those of you who don't have facebook! ...Or don't check it. :)

Love's covering

2009-11-21T00:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but there are a strange number of things we say and do in the name of maturity. Like, for some reason, it feels good to say we've grown out of this or that...and as "mature" adults or "mature" Christians we talk less and less about our battles with insecurities and doubts. (I think C.S. Lewis had something to say about this in Screwtape Letters, but the exact words aren't coming to me.) Oh sure, my insecurities are certainly not what they were during adolescence, but it seems to me that as long as my pride remains...there they will be also.

So what is it for you? I know it feels silly to even bring attention to them, but one such insecurity in my life is shopping. I know, ridiculous, isn't it? This should be the pinnacle of a woman's enjoyment (you get the point), and yet it's something that gives me so much grief and stress. I feel like somehow I missed the boat. I can never find the sales or the right size. I never know what's trendy or in style. And even when I find something I like or when I scope out a great deal, I'm too indecisive to do anything about it! Ugh, the frustration! This may sound so dumb, but to me it's just more evidence that I am failing as a woman. Just add it to the list of womanly things I can't do: shop, bake, cook, fix my hair...

Maybe some of you know what I mean. It's like, I know those thoughts are irrational, and I am utterly confident that Jesus adores me no matter how I shop, and I know that someday, even, my future husband will really appreciate my shopping inabilities. But, it's just hard because the lies still taunt me and my feelings don't always follow logic.

Well, at any rate, I say all this because today -- can you believe it -- I had a wonderful day of shopping. I went to the weekend market. I finished Christmas shopping. I even bought some things for myself (like the scarves pictured above). And, it just felt good. Not because it really does add any worth to my name or make me more of a woman. It feels good, because I know that Jesus is gently telling me that He cares about these silly insecurities too (simply because I do), and He's got me covered. He understands, and His grace reaches even into my futile shopping efforts.

Praise God.

de-bugging

2009-11-18T02:55:00.000-08:00

Hello friends, just an update. I was a bit sick last week and, for the record, it was not H1N1...though I did get my share of drugs from the doctor -- only two of which I actually took. :) Clearly, they're a lot more generous with their medication here. Kind of nice, considering I only saw the doctor for like five minutes.

The swine flu has been quite present here, and because there have been five cases in the 6th grade, our whole grade was canceled for this week -- Tuesday through Friday! Can you believe it? When I announced it to the kids, oh my word, they were ecstatic. (Until the homework came, that is, haha.) And even I was trying not to smile, expressing the rather serious nature of this kind of thing. (Everyone who has been sick has recovered well.)

So yeah, been filling my days with some planning and grading and extra sleeping...been rather nice! And only four more weeks until Christmas break now...the halfway point. Wow!

Thinking of you all and hoping all is well.

something's just not right

2009-11-11T03:12:00.000-08:00

This is not how it should be.

This is not how it could be.

This is how it is.

Our God is in control.

This is not how it will be,

when we finally will see.

We'll see with our own eyes,

He was always in control.

-Steven Curtis Chapman, Our God is in Control.

Does it get to you? Because sometimes, it just gets to me. I look at my life and my own brokenness. I look at the world. And I know. This is not how it should be.

And yet, I keep looking for things that a broken world can never produce. And I can't stop trying to make "how it should be" out of "how it is"...instead of waiting for "how it will be."

This is not how it should be means there's a better way, a grand design, a chance for redemption. This is not how it should be means that injustice is heard and loss is counted.

This is not how it should be. And I am so glad.

*These lyrics are from a song on Steven Curtis Chapman's newest album, "Beauty Will Rise," which was produced in the midst of his deep grief after the loss of his daughter, Maria. Powerful, moving stuff. Check it out.

And the winner is...#1 Halong Bay

2009-10-31T08:51:00.001-07:00

Okay, so you're maybe tired of hearing about Vietnam by now (sorry, I haven't traveled much, hehe), but I have one more place to share about...Halong Bay!

It's actually one of the "Seven Natural Wonders of the World." What that title means or exactly who decided it, I have no idea. But it sure sounds important. :)

Again, the weather didn't particularly cooperate, but still...over 1,000 mountainous islands towering over the deep sea below? Yeah, pretty spectacular to say the least.

Not only that, but we got to enjoy it all from the comforts of The Classic Sail, our fabulous little "junk" boat thing. And to call it a "junk" just doesn't do it justice. :)

We were so stinkin' blessed on this little outing, because The Classic Sail was amazing, and we had the boat all to ourselves -- aside from a lovely Spanish couple on their honeymoon!

The rooms were beautiful -- and the beds so cozy!

And the meals were over the top! Course after course of unbelievable food...fresh sea food and even this vegetable bouquet Heidi is showcasing here.

I guess I just didn't expect such wonderful accomodations. It's not like we spent that much money, and you just never know what you'll get for what you pay.

Anyway, the Halong Bay cruise was certainly the highlight of our trip. We spent one night aboard the boat and even got to kayak around and swim and tour a huge cave too!

Check it out...

#2: Sapa

2009-10-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, here we are in the lovely little mountain village of Sapa, Vietnam. We loved this place! Maybe it's because we finally got to wear sweatshirts and socks, can you believe it? Or maybe it was the charming little cafes and shops all over. Or...could it have been this beautiful view right outside our hotel room?

Well, to be honest, that view only lasted one morning (the joy of coming during the rainy season). But for us, even that was such a treat. We spent three days and two nights here, hiking and shopping and eating, hehe.

We met many women from the hill tribes of Vietnam. Flower Hmongs, like this lady below, and Black Hmongs, and Red Daos.

At first, we enjoyed these overly friendly women. They eagerly posed for pictures...

And as we hiked the trails, they even held our hands.
(Okay, maybe not so heplful, but kind anyway.)

Yep, all to swoon us into buying some of their handmade crafts.

And then, it was like, we couldn't get away from them. They followed us down the street...and even peeked through restaurant or store windows with their goods in hand.

By the time we left, we were haunted by little voices calling out...

"You buy from meeee?!"

"You promise!"

Rain and stalking tribal women aside, Sapa was absolutely beautiful. We so enjoyed relaxing together and taking in the fresh mountain air.

Here are some other Sapa highlights...

The countdown continues...

2009-10-26T03:10:00.000-07:00

#4: Hanoi

This, my friends, is where it all began. We landed in Hanoi on Friday night and really only spent Saturday here, walking the streets and touring the city. I think I mainly enjoyed the break from Bangkok's crazy traffic and overcrowded streets (remember, I'm a small-town girl at heart!).

This is a photo of the Temple of Literature in Hanoi, which is where the first university in Vietnam was established. It was also a great spot for photos (lots of red doors, gotta love 'em). I guess the turtle is a symbol of nobility and good luck in Vietnam...so people like to come up and rub their little heads. :)

One last thing to mention. Check this out. This is what happened when we befriended a couple little girls selling postcards on the street. Yeah, before we knew it, a whole crowd had gathered. Who knew we were that interesting? Hehe...

Here are some other shots of our time in Hanoi...

#3: Meals and Wheels...or something of the sort

Number 3 on my "Top Five" must be shared by two rather unrelated things (sorry to combine). This section is dedicated to the very eclectic varieties of food and transportation we encountered on our journey. To start, our means of travel...

We went by train.

(...and could never quite regulate the temperature. Needless to say, not our favorite.)

We went by boat.

...which you'll hear much more about later!

We even went by bus, taxi, plane, and motorbike (not to mention, by foot of course!). It kept the trip moving (quite literally), and kept things interesting too! I won't even try to count up our hours of travel time. I think it's best not knowing. :) At any rate, onto food...

If you're like me, you maybe didn't remember (or never knew) that Vietnam was occupied by the French for...a long time. I'm sure the Vietnamese people are glad they're gone, but I kind of appreciated some of the things they left behind. Cafes, for instance...and baguettes. What a treat! (Good bread is not something you find on every corner in Thailand, you see.)

Here we are below, at one of our favorite little cafes we stumbled upon -- "Baguettes and Chocolates"...and yes, it surely lived up to its name!

French fries with chopsticks? Only in Vietnam!

And, of course, the Vietnamese food was unbelievably good as well. Pho (noodley soup), fresh spring rolls, and our favorite...boon tick neung (a.k.a. bowl of yummy goodness -- order it next time you're out for Vietnamese!).

Vietnam's Top Five

2009-10-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Kristi, Heidi, and I escaped our flood-covered lands and ventured off to Vietnam last Friday night. And, you know, I expected it to be good...maybe even great...but the trip was really just phenomenal. We got to see so many different parts of Vietnam and its culture -- all packed into one crazy week!

In fact, there's just so much I want to share, I've decided to break it up into the "Top Five" highlights of our fabulous trip. So, without further ado...

#5: Ho Chi Minh City

One thing you must know: the people in Vietnam love their motorbikes. They were everyhere! And even when it rained, they just pulled out their ponchos and carried on. Ho Chi Minh City was actually the last leg of our journey (which is probably why I didn't take as many pictures...). We flew in from Hanoi on Thursday night and left Saturday night, leaving us two short days to shop and explore. And that we did!

We visited both the War Remnants Museum and the Cu Chi Tunnels while we were there. The museum was filled with photos, quotes, and statistics on the Vietnam War that, of course, seemed rather anti-American. But I felt compelled to look beyond that and see the message they were trying to convey. And it's true, some of those things should have never happened. Ever. It was sad to see the many faces of the war and better understand the loss and destruction...on both sides. As for the tunnels, wow. We were just amazed by the brilliant strategies of the Vietnamese soldiers. We got to tour the tunnels a bit, too, which was really neat.

Feels like home...

2009-10-14T19:47:00.001-07:00

And I don't just mean the rain.

Though, I guess you could say that's part of it. Over these past weeks, I've found lots of little things I miss. You know, like the feeling of lush carpet between my toes...or taking a stroll through Target...or the joy of wearing sweaters on a crisp, fall day. Sigh. So when I see the clouds roll in and as the downpour begins (and as I throw on my rain jacket!), it's kind of...comforting in a way. Familiar. Wet. Just like home. :)

I say that lightly, but the truth is, I am feeling more and more at home here. It's so nice falling into a routine, getting to know people better, and watching "new" finally become "normal." And while there certainly are things I miss, I'm growing a deep appreciation for this place. Mainly it's the people. I'm inspired by the people I've met -- the teachers I work with, the missionaries in the area, the Thai friends I've made. I feel so welcomed and cared for here.

(Sorry, I meant to post this before I left for Vietnam, but my Internet connection was having issues!)

On a serious note, the floods were actually pretty bad in our area, entering many teachers' homes and giving us an EXTRA long October Break! Thankfully, the waters have receded, and it looks like life and ICS will finally be back in session tomorrow.

Here is just a peek at our lovely flood days...

ballets and breaks and bugs...in Bangkok

2009-10-03T04:42:00.000-07:00

Here we are after an Italian ballet we got to see this week. Because we've had some bad luck with taxi drivers as of late, I think we spent more time in the taxi than at the ballet, hehe...but the evening was still a real treat. (We even had pasta for dinner and gelato for dessert, to carry on the Italian theme!)

Other happenings this week:

I booked plane tickets for...Vietnam! A couple friends and I are headed there for October Break. (We get a week off, which is just perfect for a little traveling. :)
We're amazed by the many disasters that have struck Southeast Asia this week. It's like all around us here! By the time the "storm" hit Bangkok, it was more like a light rain. In Social Studies class, my students and I took some time to talk and pray about all that's happened. It blessed my heart to hear their sweet prayers for all those involved. May we continue to pray.

Look who I found in my bathroom! Luckily, whatever bug spray I bought works fabulously. He didn't stand a chance, poor lil guy.

all I need

2009-09-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

-Philippians 4:12-13

Wow, I'm feeling so many things, I don't know what to write about today!?! I think that God is truly doing a work in my heart, and I want you all to know that He has conquered my fears of the future and brought me to a place of contentment and peace in that area. In fact, He is stirring in me a real love for my new home, and I am struck by His grace in this. I feel like, for the first time, I can whole-heartedly say that I am in Thailand...and I very much want to be here.

Of course, in my lame-o humanity, I've found myself in the midst of other fears. All of a sudden, since I want to be here and to begin establishing my new life, I am starving for connections and deep relationships. So I'm like freakin' out, as if it's all up to me. Again, God is so crazy-good in encouraging my heart and reminding me that it's a process, that this awkward, "I-hate-being-new" stage is only a season. God will bring about friends and relationships simply because He is faithful and He loves us, so I can just...chill out.

I feel like no matter what I'm struggling with, it's always just a question of contentment. And the answer? Paul is clear -- we can have victory in all things, simply because Jesus is enough. So when I'm longing, or waiting, or wishing...may I rest in that promise.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

-Philippians 4:19

I need a Teacher.

2009-09-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

They say that educators are supposed to be life-long learners. I think Christians should be too. And I don't know about you, but if I am to learn...I need a teacher. Oh Father, teach me.

Teach me how to love...and how to be loved.

Teach me how to pray...and how to ask.

Teach me how to listen...and how to follow.

Jesus, teach me how to give...and how to receive.

Teach me how to lose myself...and be found in You alone.

Teach me how to walk in Your freedom.

Teach me your way, O Lord and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

-Psalm 86:11

These are the prayers of my heart today, but if you have some as well...please share.

Seeing God's hand at work

2009-09-14T04:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I fail to see what God is doing. Even in my short two months here, I have already felt insecure, and incapable, and..well, in over my head. I begin to wonder why God brought me here, of all people. Me, Holly, who thrives on routine and predictability, who longs to be settled and stable. If only I were more adventurous, or more confident, or more mature.

But it doesn't take long before God gently reminds me why I'm here. This week, it was during chapel, when I heard the testimonies of several students who have experienced God in real ways and are coming to know Him personally. And again, when I sat and talked with a missionary from Colombia who left her home to live in the slums of Bangkok. And once more, when one of the students at The Well told me (mostly through hand motions) that she's excited to learn guitar because she loves Jesus, and it gives her a new way to worship Him.

I am humbled by God's grace in allowing me to come here, and to be part of Thailand's story. I know it's not because I'm super-spiritual, or hyper-talented, or overly-brave. It's simply because I'm willing...and He's faithful. What an amazing God we serve!

Be praying for Thailand. I'm coming to love the people and the culture here. Dear friends, this land is broken by drugs, sexual exploitation, political unrest, and poverty. My friends and I were noting how different it is to serve here. Back home, you have to fill out background checks and applications and jump through a ton of hoops just to volunteer somewhere (and I understand there's good reason). But here, all you have to do is show up. There are a bazillion opportunities to serve and give, and not nearly enough hands or resources or funds to fulfill the needs. May Jesus bring deliverance and healing and truth to this nation. Already there are so many missionaries and ministries here -- may there be more!

Other randomness...

I am officially going to California for Christmas! I'm excited to spend over two weeks with family, enjoying the holidays American-style! :)

Way cool, I have a friend from college who's also teaching right now in Bangkok. We're far from one another, so we hadn't seen each other until...a couple weeks ago ,we spotted each other at church! It turns out we'll be going to the same church downtown and last week, our friends converged and we all hung out afterwards -- so crazy!

a weekend getaway

2009-09-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

We rented chairs like these for 30 baht (about $1). Sweet deal!

There's nothing like taking a weekend getaway...to an island! This, my friends, is the island of Koh Samet. To get there, we had to take a taxi to the bus station, then a bus to the pier (about 3 hours away), and then a speedboat to the island! (The speedboat was totally my favorite.)

Because it is the rainy season, we didn't know what the weather would bring us, but it only rained minimally, and the overcast sky was kind of a nice break from the hot sun. We spent our time relaxing on the white sand beaches, eating at fun restaurants, and catching up with one another after a long week of school. On Saturday night, we even got to see a fantastic fire show!

So, craziest thing, we met up with some teachers from another school in Bangkok, and as we were going through introductions, I realized that one of the teachers was actually a friend from high school in little Eureka, Montana! Hailey and I were shocked to see each other (and surprised we still recognized each other too). We had a good time catching up on the last seven years and hope to meet up again sometime. Too fun!

I almost didn't go this weekend, because it always seems like there's so much to do at home, you know, but I am sooooooooooo glad I did! (I'm realizing more and more that God knows what we need way more than we do!)

Enjoy the slideshow below. It's all quite beautiful. As you'll see, it's the wrong season for bright skies and clear-blue water, but I'm sure I'll see it in its full glory another time! :D

When it rains, it pours.

2009-09-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

That is the way of Thailand, at least! Yes, if you didn't know, it is the rainy season here -- and that also means ridiculously loud thunderstorms! Cuh-raaaazy! Just wanted to take a moment and update you on the latest happenings...

Kristi and I got to go for the first time today and teach guitar and piano at The Well. It was so fun, and it gave me loads more motivation to really learn some Thai! I'm possibly going to start taking lessons soon!

The past two Fridays, I've been going to Friday Night Fellowship and hanging out with the middle schoolers from ICS. It's been a joy seeing the kids outside of the school context, and getting to worship God alongside them!

I am still in awe of my students -- how respectful and responsible and motivated they are! So many are getting A's in my class, I feel like the easiest teacher EVER. (Part of that is probably because I am easy. Like, I'm used to 2nd graders, c'mon.)

I am better understanding the stress of grading 60 students' writing...and also planning for two subjects I've never taught before. (I feel inadequate in many ways, but isn't that just how we teachers feel so often?) I think it's kind of fun inputting grades and making up quizzes and powerpoints...if only it took less time!

I'm going to the beach this weekend with some friends. It'll be the first time I've left Bangkok! Yippy!

When you think of me, please pray for a couple things that have been a real challenge here: One, learning the language (it's the sounds I just can't get). And two, finding my way around Bangkok. If you know me, you know that I never know where I am. (Sometimes when I walk out of a room, I don't even remember which side of the hallway I was on. Yeah, that bad.) It's hard depending on people all the time to help me with directions, and being so slow to understand. Clearly I need God's grace in these matters. :)

I love you all so much, and I pray that God is making Himself known in your lives today!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith...(Hebrews 12:2)

a choice was made

2009-08-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

UGH! (That's my favorite interjection right now. :) Honest Holly-moment...I miss you all a lot (and that's an understatement!). The Puyallup School District contacted me and told me that I'm being recalled...and it just brought about a lot of feelings. I mean, I knew I'd be recalled eventually, and I knew I'd have to pass at least once or twice. But, I don't know. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm in Bangkok...and it feels more like a choice than before. I just chose this life over my old one. Just makes it harder.
(Karshner friends, I cannot believe it about Sarah -- wish I could have at least seen everyone's reaction to her return. Amazingly AWESOME!)

So first, let me tell you what I don't feel. I don't feel regret, or disappointment, or frustration. I don't feel like I made the wrong decision. In fact, God has been gracious in making very clear that I am supposed to be here right now. No doubt. I'm at peace with where I am and so delighting in all I have here in Thailand.

Yet at the same time, I am feeling deeply sad that I'm missing out on life with all of you, and I'm kind of afraid of what the future holds (I know, this I shouldn't feel). I want so badly to trust God in these next few years...but it is so hard. I always knew I was a planner, but I didn't realize a synonym for that is control freak. I have to know what's happening all the time.

So I will find rest in what I do know. I know that God will make clear my next step when the time comes. I know that God is in control (even when I think I am). I know that God's plans for my life are far better and greater than my own. I know that His love for me is unfathomable.

I am hoping, pleading that I can go back to Puyallup in the next couple years and, in a sense, continue what was started there. But, this too, He knows. And though my battle cry sometimes turns into a weak, hesitant whisper, I will still surrender...for He is worthy.

Jesus, my life is yours.

One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard. That you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.

-Psalm 62:11-12a

One month to the day!

2009-08-24T02:44:00.000-07:00

Me and Karly with our matching Thai phrase books!

Yes, on July 24, 2009...exactly one month ago today...I stepped foot in Bangkok, Thailand for the very first time. In honor of this momentous anniversary, I am going to teach you all the Thai I know so far. Which...isn't much.

Okay, you ready?

Sawaddee Kha! (or Sawaddee Krup if you're a guy)....Hello!

Mai chai cohn Thai...I'm not Thai. Oh, you might not need that phrase.

Poot passat Thai mai dai...I don't speak Thai. Probably won't need that one either.

Kahp Kuhn Kha/Krup.....Thank you

Djeng ma!...That's cool! (My Thai friends taught me that one. :)

Aaaaand...that's about it. I know a few more, but really, pray for me, because this whole "learning Thai" thing is pretty stinkin' hard. (It's not essential to learn, but I'd sure like to know a little!) I hope to get a tutor sometime, which the school will reimburse us for -- awesome!!

Lastly, though, I want to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you, for letting me share my thoughts and my heart and my story with you every step of the way. Thank you for reading (aka listening), sharing comments (helps me know you're there), and for praying too! It is a tremendous blessing to me and encourages my heart whenever I miss home.

And, this whole blogging thing, I love it so much I actually believe this is one reason why God sent me here!

I was moved...before I moved.

2009-08-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I am a radical at heart, and there’s this thing in me that knows I am just waiting, waiting for…for what? For a leader to follow passionately and boldly? For someone to go first? I look at the church in Acts, and those who followed after You – and it cost them everything. And even if doesn’t cost me my life here – shouldn’t it cost me more than I’m giving? Is it that I’m unwilling? Is it that the time is not right? Is it that I am afraid? Jesus, I pray you show me. How do I give my all? How do I live this life radically for You?
- journal excerpt [January 10, 2009]

Sometimes, when I look back, I can fool myself into thinking that what I left just four weeks ago was exactly the life I wanted. But the truth is, even though there was so much to love back home, the core of me always knew: I was destined for different things. And I don't mean "bigger" things, because every place and every role has its significance in God's eyes. I really just mean different things.

God is fulfilling in me now desires, and passions, and joys that I've tried so long to satisfy...but all the while, He was simply moving me...before I even knew I was going anywhere.

answered prayer...and other less important tidbits

2009-08-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

Got to visit The Well today, which is a ministry that reaches out to some of the sex workers in Bangkok. (If you didn't know, this is a huge problem in Thailand. Many women fall into it, because it's the last option for making decent money.) The Well helps these women create new work (like making greeting cards and jewelry), educates them, and shows them Jesus. I actually found their website before I even got the job officially at ICS. I was inspired by the work they do (check out the link above to see the site), and I knew I wanted to somehow be a part of it.

As I've been praying about where to serve, I got in contact with The Well and found out they actually have ways that I can help!! Many of the students would love to learn some musical instruments, so I'm going to go once a week and teach a little guitar. My friend, Kristi, also is going to come and teach piano at that time. We're not uber-talented in these areas, but it gives us an opportunity to build relationships with these special women. What a huge privilege and answer to prayer! So amazing that we can be answering their prayers (for needed help) and they could be answering our prayers (about where to help)...at the same time. I'm soooo excited! Please pray for wisdom as we try to connect with these ladies and show them God's love.

Anyway, onto the less important tidbits:

Had a great first week of school. It's so fun getting to know my students better. If I could only get all 61 names down...
I get to help at my first Friday Night Fellowship with middle-schoolers this week. Pray that I can build deep relationships with students, and for good conversations.
Yesterday, at church, we got to see several people baptized...from Thailand, the US, Camaroon, Vietnam, and China, I think. They shared their testimonies first (in many different languages!), which was a real blessing.
I enjoyed my first massage here in Thailand. One hour foot massage for 200 baht (or about $6). Lovely.
Last of all, I've been seeing some elephants around my home!

...Except, I haven't gotten a good picture of 'em yet! Just not quick enough with the camera. But hey, good thing to end on, yeah? :)

Tourist for a day

2009-08-13T04:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Queen's birthday, aka Mother's Day, in Thailand...which, for us, mostly meant no school! So we went out and explored. From taxi, to skytrain, to river taxi, we ventured through some of the most touristy parts of Bangkok. This nifty boat, from a ritzy hotel nearby, even picked us up for free! Then we went inside the hotel...but didn't stay long, because we couldn't even afford dessert in this place! Check it out...

There are more pictures of it in the slideshow below. This was just the room for tea and such.

Once we reached our destination, Ko San Road, we ate some fabulous Indian food at Heidi's favorite place. Ko San Road is crazy-busy and overflowing with vendors and shops and restaurants and tourists. It was weird to be around so many tourists. I think I like it better in our part of town, where Thais are excited to see you...and not so annoyed. Speaking of annoyed, the bug-cart guy freaked out on me because I took a picture of his cart. (Actually, he just made a pouty-face and pulled at my camera cord, but still.) I felt really bad, and I wish now that I would have paid him (some bug-carts actually have signs that say "photo 10 baht"), or at least asked him first. Oops!

So count yourself lucky, I risked my well-being for these two pictures:

Was a fun, and exhausting, day all in all, but we were all glad to come back and go to bed! Here are some more pictures of the day...

The "whoa's" of middle school

2009-08-11T04:56:00.000-07:00

It's only been two days, so I can't really say what exactly teaching middle school at ICS is gonna be like. But, this I know thus far...

Whoa...I have so much less to plan!! Two subjects? I figure I plan the same amount in a week that I used to plan in one day.

Whoa...I have so much time to plan. Seventy minute planning periods? Sometimes more than one in a day? Can this be true?

Whoa...6th graders in Thailand are so much fun! They even laugh at my jokes still (I thought I'd only see eye-rolling, ha.)

Whoa...These kids really, actually, truly want to learn! One wrote on his get-to-know-you survey that he doesn't like it when teachers play around. (I hope I never fit in that category! :)

Whoa...And I get to share about Jesus? I'm supposed to take time to build relationships with students, and put up Bible verses on the walls, and pray for them, and talk about my faith?

It has honestly been a joy, being a part of this school here. I am so encouraged by the students' enthusiasm. They've loved everything I've thrown at them so far -- from the sound effects on my powerpoints to the signal words I introduced today (Karshner peeps, you know what I mean! They are eatin' up those GLAD strategies!). One teacher I know put it very well -- You can still be cheesy with 6th graders in Thailand. And it's true, they like that stuff! Plus, as we all know, I would be cheesy whether they liked it or not!

I've also been so impressed with ICS's commitment to ministry. They have small groups, and chapels, and worship nights, and retreats, and outreaches all for students. I'm hoping to be a part of Friday Night Fellowship for middle schoolers. I also volunteered to help with the 2nd graders during Good News Club every week. (Thought I might miss those lil guys.)

I'm still praying about how to use the rest of my time. (To be honest, I'm getting kinda antsy.) I really want to be involved in some sort of ministry here in Bangkok, but I don't know what that means yet. May I have eyes to see what God has for me in every moment.

sharing life

2009-08-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

This, my friends, is Chatuchak Market (JJ's for short :). We went shopping there today, and (though it's hard to tell from the picture) the place literally has everything -- from Thai silk and t-shirts, to fluffy dogs and chicken kabobs. It was super fun, and we all came home with something, or thingsssss, I should say. On the way, we rode the Skytrain, and afterwards, we ate lunch at a nearby park. Below are some more pictures taken throughout the day.

I had to go to the Immigration office yesterday, to extend my visa. Two of the office people, Charlie and Sujimon, took me. They pretty much took care of everything -- which was just fabulous -- and when we finished, Sujimon and I even got to stop for coffee. Sujimon grew up in Bangkok but can speak English quite well (even though she wouldn't say so!). She was so kind to me -- buying my coffee and grabbing my hand when we crossed the crazy-busy streets -- but the best part of all was hearing a bit of her story. She told me about the friend who first invited her to church...and how she was just amazed at the love these people had for the poor and needy, so she kept coming back. She told me how after she accepted Christ, so did her brother...and her mom...and her dad...and eight other family members too. And then, she told me about the people in her family who don't believe...and how she just needs to pray for them more.

We weren't at the coffee shop long, but our short conversaton was enough to encourage me...and humble me too. Man, I wish stories like that were more common. Maybe they would be, if we prayed for the lost with that kind of faith and urgency...or if we just shared our lives and stories more often with one another. We serve an amazing God -- may we never forget.

a pilgrimage

2009-08-05T04:42:00.000-07:00

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts

on pilgrimage."

-Psalm 84:5

I think maybe I got homesick for the first time last night. It was like, I started to realize I am here to stay. (This is not bad, it's just...wow.) I hate that I don't know what's ahead, and I don't really know where home is anymore. I hate that I'm not in control. :)

May I remember that our lives are not about finding stability and belonging -- for those things are reserved for eternity. I'm trying to be two places at once, and I need to just let God have all of me. In perfect timing, I listened to a podcast of Calvary's service last weekend, and Pastor Ray encouraged us all to declare to Jesus, "I'm all in!" Like the guys playing poker. So that's my cry tonight. No matter where it takes me and no matter what happens to my own plans, I'm all in.

On a lighter note, I am WAY excited about teaching next week! The planning has seemed much easier in many ways, because I only have to focus on two subjects! We've been getting our rooms ready, and I got to meet the rest of the staff. My classes will range from 16-20 students each -- pretty awesome. And maybe you noticed the picture above, of my classroom door. It says "Miss Holly," because in Thailand, last names are so long teachers go by their first names.

I found a really great church last weekend. Please pray that I am able to discern how to use my free time well. Church involvement? Other ministries? Outreach? Relationships? Also, be praying for us as we prepare for our students. May our hearts and minds and classrooms be ready!

OH -- one more thing to note: I met a teacher this week from Puyallup!! Kristin's a PHS grad, and has often attended Calvary too. Encouraged my heart!

overflow

2009-08-02T05:07:00.000-07:00

I have come that they may have life,

and have it to the full.

-Jesus (John 10:10)

Sometimes it's good to pick a kinda long book of the Bible and read it all in one sitting. Of course, the trouble is finding the time to do that. I found the time (and then some)...on an airplane...headed for Thailand. I picked the book of John, because it is my favorite Gospel, and it sort of does read like a novel.

And I think there was some divine intervention involved too, because this running theme surfaced that I had never really noticed before. It wasn't anything new, but I think it was God's gentle whispers to my heart on a very eventful, very important day.

See, the book of John (I've now decided) is all about abundance. This is the book where Jesus says those famous words I quoted up there. He gives us life to the full. This is also the book where He tells us He's like water that forever takes away your thirst, and the bread of life that fully satisfies. Pretty cool. But, then, read on, because the stories in this Gospel also point to a God who is all about abundance.

Take the story of Jesus miraculously feeding 5,000+ people with five loaves and two fish. Amazing, right? I mean, even if they each got one tiny piece of bread, that would still be amazing. Yet, do you know what the Bible says? It says that Jesus gave them as much as they wanted...and there were leftovers. Again, this is a God who satifies in abundance.

I'll give you one more example (though there are more). Jesus sees his disciples, and they're struggling to catch just one fish on their boat. He tells them to throw down their nets, and -- as you can guess -- they catch some fish. But it's not like they catch 10 fish, or 20 fish, or even 50 fish. No, they caught so many fish, they couldn't even haul 'em in (153 in all). Our God is a God of abundance.

You'd think I'd be done, but the theme continues (can you believe it?). The best part of this book (I think) is Jesus' last moments with his disciples (ch. 13-17), his last moments before the cross. The Bible says that Jesus shows them the full extent of his love. He washes their feet. He prays for them. He comforts them. All right before He dies for them. Love...overflowing. Love...in abundance.

That part always gets to me. I read it often, but I never before noticed this phrase that Jesus keeps saying to his disciples during all of this. He says, "ask anything in my name, and I will do it." Four times in his final conversation, He tells them to ask and they will receive. Our God loves to give...freely and abundantly.

Two things came to my mind as this theme unfolded before me. First of all, I was deeply comforted, knowing that the God who put me on this plane and led me to a foreign land, is the God that gives and loves abundantly. His plans for my life are complete, fully satisfying, and overflowing with all of God's best.

Secondly, I wondered why we fail to ask. His love never runs dry, and He willingly gives to all who ask, so why do we fail to ask? Is it fear? Is it pride? Is it unbelief? Maybe it's because we're afraid of getting what we really want. Maybe it's because we know that this life of abundance is not about more stuff, or more self, or an easier road. It's so much greater those things. Are we receiving all that God has for us today? Or are we afraid to ask...limiting Him and the love He desires to lavish upon us?

I don't know what it all means, really. I don't even know where it's gonna take us. But I can't help but follow. So I'll keep asking, and seeking, and loving the God who loves us so abundantly, so extravagantly that He came and died on a cross that we might have life...and have it to the full.

meeting the culture

2009-07-30T01:34:00.000-07:00

We've had the privilege of seeing some of the sites around Bangkok this week. Yesterday, we went to a floating market, where people like these ladies sell produce and plants from their little canoes. We also got to ride one of the canoes down the canal!

Enjoy the slideshow below to see more pictures of our outings, including our trip to a nearby park. That's where we rode the cool swan pedal-boats. And that's where we followed around the monitor lizard, who was like 4 feet long, head to tail. (He never did get out of the water like we wanted him to!) I also saw my first elephants yesterday while riding the bus!

Thanks for your love and prayers! Praying for new relationships to be built here, and for God's work to be done at ICS. He has been so faithful to this place -- I feel deeply privileged to be serving here!

sweet tacos and Thai kites

2009-07-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

We have to be braver than we think we can, because God is calling us to be more than we are." Madeleine L'Engle

Darren, our headmaster, shared this quote with us yesterday. We talked a lot about the transition of coming here, and how it changes you...how it's hard for everyone, but it always gets better...how it teaches you to depend on Jesus so much more, and how that alone makes it worth it. They say you're just never the same after this. And, I have to say, it seems like so many of these people came here...and then they couldn't leave...or they had to come back. Kind of scares me, it's true. But it's a good, excited kind of scared.

Here are some fun moments we've had the past couple days:

Karly, her husband Mike, Miriam, and I went to a big mall downtown called MBK. Karly and I found sweet tacos with whipped cream and...cheese. We tried to ask the ladies if it was marshmallow or what, but I could only find the word "sweet" in my Thai dictionary,which is pronounced "wahn." So I pointed and said, "Wahn?" And I think she just thought I meant I wanted "wahn." Hehe. Then we decided we had to try 'em. Not bad!

Then, today, as part of orientation, we made Thai kites and flew them around the school yard!

Here is a picture of my new classroom! Clearly, I haven't started decorating or anything. Kind of sad that my kids probably won't believe me this year if I tell them their classroom is an island, or a pirate ship. :)

Rain showers and swimming

2009-07-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Check it out, this picture is of my apartment building. Some guys have been doing work on it, and this is the scaffolding they use -- bamboo tied together with rope! They climbed up and down in their bare feet! We watched 'em for a while, just because it was so interesting.

Today, we went to church held at a nearby hotel. It was started by some ICS families and some other missionaries. Way fun to meet so many missionaries and to hear just tidbits of what God's doing through them, and how they ended up here!

I saw my first rain shower today, and I really liked it, because it definitely cooled things off. Then later, we went for a swim. Our school's pool is always open to us, and it's very nice. In fact, maybe I'll take up swimming! :) Every Sunday, the families of ICS come together for swimming and soccer and things. I can't believe how many families there are that have stayed here 8, 10, 12 years or more. Lots of kids running around. Of the new teachers, I think Miriam and I are the only ones who aren't married! It's a joy getting to know everyone. Such nice, genuine people. I met a new friend yesterday, Karly, who's adopted from Korea like me! We both grew up in white families, and we laughed about how we sometimes forget we're asian. We're wondering what our new students will think about us -- English-speaking Koreans in Thailand.

Tomorrow is the start of orientation!! Sometimes I get flustered at the thought of school starting in two weeks...and I'm teaching 6th grade...and I have no idea what it will be like! Just gotta remember, it's not about me. And then, there's not so much to be afraid of!

Not to us, oh Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory...
Psalm 115:1

Day 1

2009-07-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

Here are just a handful of pictures. These were taken in or around my new apartment, which is right next to my new school. I'm on the fourth floor (and so is my classroom), so I think I'll get lots of exercise! It's been fun today, shopping around and observing. I ate lunch out for about $1.50, and it wasn't spicy (yay for me)! But my new friend, Miriam, found out the pork fried rice was definitely spicy. Miriam is a new 6th grade teacher like me, and she's also my neighbor -- so I think we'll become good friends!

It's hard to know what kinds of things to buy and how settled I should get here. Two years is a long time...but what will I do with the things I acquire when I leave?

Thinking of you all and so grateful for a way to share everything with you. I am uber-tired (maybe because it's 3 am Washington time?), but I'm trying to stay up until at least 8 pm tonight! The Lord is gracious, providing in even the smallest ways. He is so good!

I'm here!

2009-07-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you all know I am here in Bangkok now, at my new apartment! Pictures to come soon. :)

4,849 miles later...and 35 pounds lighter!

2009-07-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

Hello from Tokyo everybody! Likin' the airport here (even though I have no idea how much I just paid for wireless...500 yen, is that a lot?)

So, this morning, my friends were making fun of me on the way to the airport, because of all the things to worry about, I was just stressed that my bags would be overweight. WELL...turned out to be a valid fear, my friends.

One of my bags did end up being over 70 pounds like I feared, but worse than that, I learned at the airport that United International flights require all bags to be 50 pounds or less. Oopsies! And, to make matters even worse, we had to work with Mr. extremely rude airline dude. (If you know me well, you know that nothing scares me more than mean people.) So there we were, frantically throwing out 35 pounds worth of stuff onto the floor. I think I said "this is awful" at least 20 times before we were through. Needless to say, Andrea and Anna went home with...a bunch of my things! SO glad they were there to take it all -- and so glad they were there to laugh about it with me!

Anyway, it all worked out, and maybe the Lord allowed that mess to happen so I'd be distracted from any other fears. I felt pretty good once that ordeal was done-with! :) And, hey, at least I can lift my own suitcases now.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouragement. I really enjoyed the plane ride, and now I'm kind of ready to just be there! I should reach Bangkok Friday morning, your time.

12 hours to go!

2009-07-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

Twelve hours from now, I'm gonna be on a plane, headed for the biggest adventure of my life. (Have I mentioned I'm not really...what's the word...adventurous? And yet, I'm excited. Craziest thing.)

Praying that...

traveling will go safely and smoothly...from the long plane ride to switching planes in Tokyo to finding my ride in Bangkok
I will sleep on the plane (which is why I'm still up!) and get some great prayer time in, etc.
I will be encouraged and have peace in all things. God is in control.

Not sure what to expect, but so looking forward to meeting all my new co-workers and seeing Thailand with my own eyes! Ready or not, here I come...

This just in...

2009-07-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

Just moments ago, I heard a knock on my door, and to my surprise, I opened the door to find a mail lady with my visa! Like the best birthday gift ever!!

Puh-raaaaise the Lord!

Already, I am learning so much about God's timing and faithfulness. I know deep down that He's good and trustworthy, but with all this confusion, it's so hard not to try and take control. (As if we could!) Lord, help my unbelief!

A little change of plans...

2009-07-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hello all! Just got home from a very special, very sweet going away party. Thanks to all who came. It meant a lot to me. :)

So, because of all my visa complications, I am not able to fly out tomorrow, as planned...and am instead rebooking for this Thursday. Though it's been a bit of a stress having so much up in the air, my new administrators have been very encouraging and supportive, which helps a lot. Also, I know your love and prayers are felt daily as well! Kind of grateful in a way for some extra days here, to get things finished up -- and to celebrate my 24th birthday tomorrow!

Please pray for two main things: Firstly, that I get that stinkin' visa -- tomorrow would be nice!! And second, that my background check from a couple years ago will suffice for my work permit (because I don't have time to get a new one!).

Just got back Friday from a fabulous trip to Hawaii with my Dad and family that included lots of snorkeling and parasailing too! Oh so blessed to have such precious time with loved ones. Enjoy highlights from both trips on the slideshow below!

To view more Hawaii and summer photos, check out the link to my facebook albums, even if you don't have facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2007342&id=124400049&l=d7a1a778de

It's really happening

2009-07-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to shout out some praises, because God is faithful (and he sure helps me keep my sanity too!). Got my final shots today...and finally received my flight confirmation for the 21st...have a storage unit secured and some possible moving help...bug spray, clothing, camera, etc. are bought...and I can even see the end of all this paperwork! Whew!

I hope you all are enjoying your summer! Please stay in touch with me as I go far away. If you didn't know, I thrive on people-interaction!! Even the online kind, haha. Also, please know that it is a phenomenal blessing for me to have this blog so I can share my experiences (and my heart) with all of you throughout this journey.

Had two wonderful weeks with my mom in California, including a birthday luau and a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth with my mom and brother, Matthew!! Tomorrow morning, I'm headed to Hawaii to spend time with my dad and family!

Praying for a great, relaxing trip and for God's continued privision as I actually move and leave very, very soon! Also, still trying to figure out the whole visa thing -- cuttin' it close!

Let's start the countdown...22 days!

2009-06-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hello from California!
Check this out, on my letter of intent, they call me a "teacher/missionary." How cool is that? Two wonderful titles in one! I know, as Christians, we're all missionaries in a sense, but it's an honor to be called one.

I am tentatively scheduled to leave for Bangkok on my 24th birthday, July 21st! Please pray when you think of me!

that I can get my visa in time. I'm not familiar with all this stuff, and I am still waiting on some paperwork, so I can send in the application.
that I know what else to do to prepare, and what things to bring.
for my move...unsettling to me that I don't have the details figured out yet, but I do trust it will all come together, as it always does!

I have a lot of peace about everything, praise God. He is faithful, and oh-so good!

a redemption story

2009-06-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry in advance. This is a long post, but I've wanted to put this story into words for a long time. My heart is so grateful, and I can't help but share why.

Okay, I'll just say it: I hated college. Not all of it, but pretty much, it was an awful time for me. Disappointments in my family and then at school led me to a lot of grief and loss. And then, to make matters worse, I gave into all these fears and insecurities that only plummeted me into isolation and despair. I don't know if I was technically "depressed," but whatever you want to call it, I was deeply, deeply sad. There I was, facing college graduation, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. In desperation, I cried out to God for help.

April 3, 2007. Completely unprepared and rather aimless, I barely made it to a job fair in Portland that morning. The last thing I expected was to come out with an actual job. I visited the Puyallup booth (because I've loved that place since I lived there as a kid)...interviewed with them...and was offered a job with the district that very day. I was told I could think about it for a couple days, but it took me just a few minutes to decide to go. I just remember whispering to God, If I could pick anywhere on the map, I think I'd still choose Puyallup. I felt so unworthy, but even then I knew the Lord was tenderly and lovingly delivering me from my sadness.

And that was just the beginning. Within a few months, I found myself in an area I love, teaching a grade I love, at a school I love, with the support of a church -- you guessed it -- I totally love. I've moved a lot, but moving here was the easiest transition of my life. All of the belonging and affirmation and support I had so been longing for, I've found here in Puyallup. And, more than that, God has restored my hope, renewed my joy, and reminded me of His great love.

I know, so what's the deal, right? Because now that I have everything I was looking for, Jesus has called me to drop everything and go?! To Thailand of all places? It's like the parable of the talents (check out Matthew 25:14-30). I always thought this story was strange, because the cautious guy gets in trouble for burying the treasure he was given, while the risk-takers who doubled their talents are commended. I mean, what's with that? Isn't it smart to hide away valuable things? But as I see God's awesome work in my life, I realize that I too have that choice to make. I could either take all that God's given me and bury it, cling to it, secure it...or I could risk losing everything and let God use what He's given me and multiply it.

And, the thing is, that's the way our God always works. Through loss, we actually gain...through giving, we overflow...through dying, we truly live.

I know, I'm really long-winded, but I hope you're still reading, because last of all, I want to thank you -- all of you. No matter who you are in my life, you've played a role in this. Every kind word, every prayer, every act of love, God has used to grow me and heal me. Your love and prayers and encouragement are enabling me to go...and give...and love. So thank you. Thank you for letting God use you, and thank you for being a part of this redemption story.

(Special thanks to Sharon, Sary-Jo, and others whose photos I used in the slideshow above.)

Moooooving

2009-06-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

What I'm keeping so far.

And...

What I'm not.

Can you tell which is winning? I have been crazy busy this week, with doctor appointments, report cards, getting new glasses, packing up an apartment and a classroom, shuffling through paperwork, ordering important documents that I've lost and then finding them again...oh, and then there's teaching 2nd graders all day. Whew!

Going through my things yesterday really confirmed just how much we live in excess. Wow. Moving is good, if only because it gives you a chance to clean house a bit and rid of the junk...and, actually, I'm thinkin' it's more than our closets that need it. :)

Please pray for me as the days quickly pass. Pray that I can love fully and freely in my last days in Puyallup and my last days with family before I go. Pray for good conversations everywhere. Pray for a prepared heart. Pray that I can get my things packed and moved, which means I need to find a truck and some strong people! Pray that Jesus be everything always.

Thailand!

2009-06-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it? Just a couple months after losing my job, I will find myself in Bangkok, Thailand ready to start teaching middle school! Whew!

As crazy as it is, the cool thing is seeing God's work so evident in every part of this adventure. You not may not have known, but since college (when I learned of many cool overseas opportunities), I have been hoping to go overseas...someday. It's such a great way to see more of God's world, and to reach out to an area in need of the Gospel. I'll be at a Christian school, where I get to openly share God's truth and love with kids -- most of which have not heard the Gospel before.

Maybe you also didn't know that one passion I hold dear is my love for words. I love to write, and it's been my hope to one day teach language arts in the upper grades. The job I initially interviewed for was a 6th grade math and social studies position -- fun, though not my favorite. But the job they eventually hired me for is a 6th grade language arts/social studies position. Wow, that alone would be such a great opportunity!

And, last of all, I can't wait to learn to love Thailand...especially because of its great need for truth and God's freedom from bondage. Many people in Thailand are affected by poverty and sexual exploitation...and I think like over 90% of people there are Buddhist. In my humility, I realize I know nothing of these kinds of hardships (and quite honestly I don't know what I'm getting myself into), but I am so confident and delighted in knowing that the Lord in His purpose and sovereignty is crossing the paths of my life with this people group. How awesome!

I have two weeks left of school. My heart is heavy to be leaving everything I know (again!) and to say goodbye to such a rich and beautiful chapter of my life, even if it was just two years. (I'll reflect more on my time in Puyallup later.) But every part of me knows this is right. I have every intention of returning to Puyallup -- Lord willing. Yeah, there are no guarantees...but what guarantee could compare, anyway, with knowing a sovereign and loving God who holds us all in His hands?

International Community School of Bangkok: http://www.icsbangkok.com/

trying to save my manna

2009-05-19T18:34:00.001-07:00

The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed. Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning." -Exodus 16:17-18

The hardest thing about God's provision is that He only gives us enough for Today. Now, whether today means literally today...or this year...or this season in life, it depends I guess. At any rate, I understand the Isrealites' struggle and I'm totally admitting that I am trying to be a manna-hoarder right now. I know, can you believe it? The Lord, in His kindness, has poured out to me blessings upon blessings...money, relationships, security, belonging, more "stuff" than I care to have...and here I am, trying to hide away my money in some bank account...and my relationships in some corner of my heart, hoping I can keep 'em for later...just in case.

I don't know yet what God is calling me to do, or where He's calling me to be. But I do know that He's given me enough for Today...and when tomorrow becomes today, that will still hold true.

some mad hope

2009-05-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

I know this is the title of a popular Matt Nathanson album right now...and I'm pretty sure he's not talking about Jesus, but these three words keep coming back to me because it's the best way I can think of to describe the state of my heart tonight.

I've never felt so uncertain, so challenged, so uprooted...and, at the same time, so madly, unbelievably hopeful.

(Wow, two posts in one night. Must be the caffeine. :)

i know this much is true

2009-05-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

"My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

I lost my job this week. But He's asking for so much more than that.

You’re calling me to lay down everything. You’re calling me to leave it all behind. You’re calling me to surrender this false security…and to rest in You alone.

And even though my heart doth faileth…even though the tears stream down…I know in every fragment of my being, that this is all I want. I will have it no other way.