It's and...not or.

My parents divorced when I was young, and ever since, I've had this loyalty complex. As kids, it was mostly about mom vs. dad, but over time it extended into other relationships and situations. Like, for instance, don't be surprised if I come to visit you and never leave your side. It's not that I'm needy. But if I decided to take a walk alone or make a phone call, I feel like I'm choosing that over being with you. Or, say you bought me a toothbrush but so did my brother. Even if your toothbrush was the best in the world, I couldn't use it first. I just couldn't pick that one over something my brother gave me. See what I mean?

This has plagued my heart often, because every time I move, I feel like one home is replacing another. And when I make new friends, I feel like I've picked them over the old ones. I resist embracing the new place, in fear that it's like shutting the door on the last place I called home.

I realize this is silly, so I'm learning how to shake this thing. I'm learning how to freely love all of the homes and friends and families I've come to know. I'm learning how to choose a location, or hobby, or toothbrush (ha!) without making it personal. But it's not easy. I have to, like, re-program my brain.

So...just because I love Thailand, it doesn't mean I love America any less. And just because I'm living overseas, it doesn't mean I'm choosing that over my friends and family back home. ...Right?

I'm learning that it's and...not or.

In fact, I just left "home" in California to come back "home" to Bangkok. Had such a great time with family and feeling rather blessed by it. And just because I loved being there...it doesn't mean I can't enjoy being here!

Some highlights -- and be sure to check out the pictures below as well!

• For only the second time ever, I got to spend Christmas with my whole California family (dad, stepmom, all four brother, and me!).
• Then all of us went to Paso Robles for a few days, which included my first wine-tasting venture. :)
• I spent New Year's with my little brothers, eating Coldstone ice cream and playing "Band Hero" in our living room. Great bonding.
• My last night was, in fact, my twin brothers' 14th birthday! For the first time, I got to celebrate it with them. Shoot, they're growing up and all that!

America, here I come!

Merry Christmas, everyone! I got to go ice-skating today, with my friend Tawnya, and even though I was dressed for summer (*sigh* 85 degrees today) ...it really felt like Christmas. Here's just a quick update on the latest happenings...

• I am flying to L.A. on Monday morning -- can't believe it's been five months since I was in America. Wow. Looking forward to family, cheeseburgers, socks, clean(ish) air, white mochas, Target...

• Even more wonderful than that, during our school's Christmas chapel, two of our sixth grade girls came to know Jesus! So stinkin' exciting! We're praying for them, as they grow and learn what it means to follow Him!

• Last weekend, I got to talk on the phone with a bunch of you at the Karshner Christmas party!!! (For those who don't know, Karshner is the school I worked at last year. My friend, Sarah, passed around her phone so I could chat a bit with everyone!) It meant so much to me, catching up with you guys and hearing your voices! I miss you, friends!

a little bit of life in pictures...

Friends at the ICS Christmas party. (I helped decorate, what fun!)

Christmas pancake party! Complete with fresh fruit, great company, and The Muppet's Christmas Carol!

This about sums up my school week. Parties and book reports.

Out of control.

Love you all and am praying that you are filled with joy and peace this Christmas, as you remember the One who came for us and showed us real love. How I wish to know that Love more fully every day.

I don't need a dating service: confessions of a Christian single

I'm 24 years old (and yes, I realize that's not very old). I'm a Christian. I'm single. And I'm tired of it. No, I'm not tired of being single. And of course I'm not tired of being a Christian...but put them together, and it just wears me out. I'm gonna try not to be cynical here, because quite frankly it's against my nature, and I'm kind of anti-critical. But...the church is deeply failing the singles population. That's just the plain truth.

I got so into this topic, I decided to do some research, Look at what I found:

• 41% of the US population is single (US Census 2005).

• 51% (yes, over half) of all US women live without a spouse (NY Times 2007).

• If I'm doing the math right, over 46% of 20-40 year olds in America have never been married (US Census 2008).

Right away, we realize: 1) There are more of us than you think. 2) Singles cover a wide range of ages. 3) Just because you're older and single doesn't mean you're divorced. And yet, when you're single in the church, what are your options? Staying up late with the lively college group, going to "singles" events that translate into dating services, recovering with the older, single and divorced population... All great ministries, but is that really what most singles are looking for? I'm just one person, but if I'm anything like other singles, there are a couple things that need to be cleared up...

Just because I'm single, it doesn't mean I want to hang out with single people all the time. In fact, it probably means the opposite. At least for me, being single makes me crave stability all the more. And yet, we're placed in these "singles only" groups with a revolving door of people who move, or get married, or get bored. We're only invited to families' homes on holidays, when family is what we long for. I know it's awkward for single people to hang out with married people, but have you ever wondered if it's just because we're not used to it?

Marriage is not the solution. Yes, marriage is good, and who wants it? We all do. But, it's condescending and disrespectful to the singles population when we're expected to swim around, disconnected from the church body until we get married and "graduate" into the regular world of families. It seems more like people feel sorry for us all the time, instead of believing that we, too, have something to offer the church.

What's funny, the Barna research group finds that four out of five single adults would say they are Christian (2005). And yet, how many thriving and successful singles ministries can you think of?

Maybe it's about time we try something new and rethink the church's strategy (or non-strategy) in reaching the singles population. I mean, when I read about the New Testament church, I don't see anything about dividing the single and married people up. I don't see anything that says it's better to be married. In fact, many of the greatest early church leaders were single (and Paul even advocated for it). And the early church was all about community. It didn't matter if you were single, or married, or anything. If you were a believer, you were cared for and had a place to belong and serve.

I know that is still the message the church hopes to give singles. I know there's no one to blame for this failure and that all of this has come about by accident.

But it's time people do something.

So, singles, don't give up on the church. And married people, don't give up on singles. May it begin with us.

simple joys

...Like decorating my own little plastic Christmas tree (pictured above), even though I'm miles and miles from "home." I bought the ornaments from the Thai craft fair, and I strung the popcorn myself (only took like THREE hours, haha).

...And continuing the holiday spirit right into my classroom, where the kids and I listened to Christmas music and made paper chains and snowflakes (not to mention the fake fireplace!). These kids are awesome! The room looks great --I gave them the plan and they made it happen! My students...they give me joy every day!

...Or celebrating with a dear friend (Karly) our common Korean heritage at ICS's annual "International Day." I even learned how to really say my given name: Mee Seong Lee = "E Mee Song" There were 26 different countries represented at the festival, which also included some fantastic performances and, of course, unbelievable food.

...Reconnecting with old friends in a foreign land. (This is me with Jill, the girl I knew in college who just happens to be living in Bangkok too right now!)

...Bonding with 6th graders. (That's my adorable homeroom class. Oh maybe adorable isn't a good 6th grade word...) In fact, we spent lots of time together this week, including a lock-in for the whole middle school (yes, that means they stayed all night and tried not to sleep, haha). What amazed me more than the kids' excitement were all the staff members who came, volunteering so much time and energy. ICS staff, you are legit! If that's not love, and if that's not serving Jesus...I don't know what is!

They will celebrate your abundant goodness

and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and rich in love.

The Lord is good to all;

he has compassion on all he has made.

The eyes of all look to You,

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand

and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

Psalm 145:7-9, 15-16

I just love this picture of God, opening His hand and setting before us all of our needs at the proper time. It tells me that He has purpose and timing in each gift He gives. It tells me that what I want and don't have is still securely in His grip. I know each of these really are such simple things, but to me, they have been little evidences of God's tender and thoughtful love for me. May we delight in the joys God has poured out to us, and may we proclaim His goodness to a hopeless and hurting world.

(Pictures below for those of you who don't have facebook! ...Or don't check it. :)

Love's covering

I don't know why, but there are a strange number of things we say and do in the name of maturity. Like, for some reason, it feels good to say we've grown out of this or that...and as "mature" adults or "mature" Christians we talk less and less about our battles with insecurities and doubts. (I think C.S. Lewis had something to say about this in Screwtape Letters, but the exact words aren't coming to me.) Oh sure, my insecurities are certainly not what they were during adolescence, but it seems to me that as long as my pride remains...there they will be also.

So what is it for you? I know it feels silly to even bring attention to them, but one such insecurity in my life is shopping. I know, ridiculous, isn't it? This should be the pinnacle of a woman's enjoyment (you get the point), and yet it's something that gives me so much grief and stress. I feel like somehow I missed the boat. I can never find the sales or the right size. I never know what's trendy or in style. And even when I find something I like or when I scope out a great deal, I'm too indecisive to do anything about it! Ugh, the frustration! This may sound so dumb, but to me it's just more evidence that I am failing as a woman. Just add it to the list of womanly things I can't do: shop, bake, cook, fix my hair...

Maybe some of you know what I mean. It's like, I know those thoughts are irrational, and I am utterly confident that Jesus adores me no matter how I shop, and I know that someday, even, my future husband will really appreciate my shopping inabilities. But, it's just hard because the lies still taunt me and my feelings don't always follow logic.

Well, at any rate, I say all this because today -- can you believe it -- I had a wonderful day of shopping. I went to the weekend market. I finished Christmas shopping. I even bought some things for myself (like the scarves pictured above). And, it just felt good. Not because it really does add any worth to my name or make me more of a woman. It feels good, because I know that Jesus is gently telling me that He cares about these silly insecurities too (simply because I do), and He's got me covered. He understands, and His grace reaches even into my futile shopping efforts.

Praise God.

de-bugging

Hello friends, just an update. I was a bit sick last week and, for the record, it was not H1N1...though I did get my share of drugs from the doctor -- only two of which I actually took. :) Clearly, they're a lot more generous with their medication here. Kind of nice, considering I only saw the doctor for like five minutes.

The swine flu has been quite present here, and because there have been five cases in the 6th grade, our whole grade was canceled for this week -- Tuesday through Friday! Can you believe it? When I announced it to the kids, oh my word, they were ecstatic. (Until the homework came, that is, haha.) And even I was trying not to smile, expressing the rather serious nature of this kind of thing. (Everyone who has been sick has recovered well.)

So yeah, been filling my days with some planning and grading and extra sleeping...been rather nice! And only four more weeks until Christmas break now...the halfway point. Wow!

Thinking of you all and hoping all is well.

something's just not right

This is not how it should be.

This is not how it could be.

This is how it is.

Our God is in control.

This is not how it will be,

when we finally will see.

We'll see with our own eyes,

He was always in control.

-Steven Curtis Chapman, Our God is in Control.

Does it get to you? Because sometimes, it just gets to me. I look at my life and my own brokenness. I look at the world. And I know. This is not how it should be.

And yet, I keep looking for things that a broken world can never produce. And I can't stop trying to make "how it should be" out of "how it is"...instead of waiting for "how it will be."

This is not how it should be means there's a better way, a grand design, a chance for redemption. This is not how it should be means that injustice is heard and loss is counted.

This is not how it should be. And I am so glad.

*These lyrics are from a song on Steven Curtis Chapman's newest album, "Beauty Will Rise," which was produced in the midst of his deep grief after the loss of his daughter, Maria. Powerful, moving stuff. Check it out.