If I could talk to you face to face...this is what I'd say.

Dearest friends,

To be honest, I don't even know who I'm talking to. But to all of you "back home" -- or others interested -- this post is for you. :) It's been a while, hasn't it? I've had a great month or so, but very full and draining as well. I don't know why, but everything I've felt these past few weeks, I have felt deeply.

For one, I think I've been realizing how difficult it is to still feel connected to things "back home" my second year away. And it's so hard to know what I'm supposed to naturally let go of...and what I should fight to keep. In the midst of that, when all home front voices have seemed utterly quiet, I've been wrestling with making decisions about my future...in Thailand and beyond.

Last Friday, I turned in my "resignation" for next school year. It doesn't come as a surprise to me, I guess, and probably not to you either. But it was still a very thought-out, prayed over thing that meant a great deal to me. I have not taken my time here at ICS lightly, and I consider it an absolutely privilege to be serving here. God's peace has been abundant though, and I am SO grateful. As for next year, wow. I can't even guess.

When I sit in God's presence and seek Him, I sense this unbelievable calling to surrender. I sense that He's asking me to be open...to stop limiting Him and the plans He has for me...to pursue Him alone. And do I know what it means? No! Is it a little scary? Yeah, except that I know this loving God who compels me to follow...and I can't even help but trust Him with my life.

So as appealing as it is to assume a return to Puyallup, to teaching elementary and the life I knew before...I can't seem to feel right about it anymore. It really doesn't mean anything either way. God just hasn't made it clear yet. And I guess I'm telling you all this, because I value your prayers and your support and your love in my life. My heart aches in knowing that changes areagain heading my way, and yet I am so moved by God and so hungry for more of Him, that I'm convinced wherever He's leading me is worth it.

...On the lighter side, I've been crazy-blessed with joyful times and sweet relationships this fall (well, rainy season for us).

Here are just a few snapshots of life as I know it in Bangkok!

This is me with me with my dear friends, Kim and K-Dub (Kristi W.) and new friends too. We had just completed Bangkok's "Vertical Marathon" by climbing the Banyan Tree Hotel's 63 flights of stairs. (And just so you know, it's not as hard as it sounds. You could totally do it!)

Me and Miriam at a rockin' costume party the other night, thanks to hostesses Lindsey, Lindsay, Heidi and Miriam! (Cape compliments of my sweet little bro, Nicholas. Thanks, man!!)

A couple weeks ago, I got the awesome blessing of going to Khao Yai, Thailand for the first time. My friends Mutarica, O, and Sumalee took me to this waaaay cool place called, Palio...AKA Thailand's "Little Italy"! So fun, and to make matters better, O and Sumalee took bunches of photos to commemorate the occasion. This one was at the gardens in the shopping plaza.

Here we are, on the streets of Palio. What a treat it was! :)

And these are my wonderful and precious prayer/accountability partners, Catherine and Karly! How deeply I treasure their support and encouragement!

So there ya have it. Holly's life in a nutshell. :) Sending my love to you all and praying you are well. I can't wait until heaven, when distance will never again separate. But until then, may we rest in the grace He has for us.

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love." [Yet/Switchfoot]

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:7

I can think of lots of things that make loving people hard. Having patience all the time? Hard. Being kind no matter what? Double hard. Forgiving every hurt and every bad decision? Unbelievably hard. Yet when I read 1 Corinthians 13, do you know what line really gets to me?

Love always hopes.

Yes, love always hopes. I don't know the ways people have hurt you or disappointed you in your life, but I do know that, for me, when someone causes pain, the last thing I want to do is hope. I don't want to hope they've changed, or hope things will get better, or hope that the relationship is restored. I just want to guard my heart...and move on.

And what's wrong with that, right? This always hoping thing seems a bit counter-intuitive; it sounds kind of like an I'm-just-a-doormat kind of Christianity that subjects us to a vicious cycle of hope and disappointment.

Yet I know, that can't be right either.

The God I know doesn't want us to stay in hurtful situations or to hold onto destructive relationships. In fact, God allows us space to heal, and He's often the One who provides us deliverance in due time. Hoping doesn't always mean staying, and it simply can't mean enabling...nor does it ever mean compromising what is right.

So what does it mean then?

Maybe always hoping (like everything else, really,) comes down to our hearts. Maybe it doesn't look any certain way. Maybe it means we choose grace over bitterness, even if it's from afar. And maybe it means we choose prayer over apathy, and kindness over revenge. Maybe it means hoping, because we believe in a God who can change the hardest of hearts, who can heal the incurable, who can make beauty from ashes...Hoping, because even after a thousand disappointments, His great love will still be enough.

It's a costly thing to do. But when I look to the cross and the Love that saved me, I'm reminded that really loving people always is.

This one was born in Zion.

He has set his foundation on the holy mountain;

the Lord loves the gates of Zion

more than all the dwellings of Jacob

Glorious things are said of you, oh City of God:

"I will record Rahab and Babylon

among those who acknowledge me --

Phillistia too, and Tyre, along with Cush --

and will say, 'This one was born in Zion.' "

Indeed, of Zion it will be said,

"This one and that one were born in her,

and the Most High Himself will establish her."

The Lord will write in the register of the peoples:

"This one was born in Zion."

As they make music they will sing,

"All my fountains are in you."

-Psalm 87

Jesus lifted me out of the mud.

He brushed off the dirt

and carried me in His arms.

He looked in my eyes and said,

This one was born in Zion.

I feel like I don't belong,

because I belong in the City of my God.

Zion is my birthright, my inheritance, my home.

On being a woman, pt. 3: What I learned from watching The Bachelorette

I know what you’re thinking – really, Holly? Is this what things have come to?

…

Okay, so I’m the first to admit that reality TV is the last place to look for, well, realistic (or wholesome) inspiration, but leave it to me to find some deep hidden truth while watching a bunch of lovesick men fight over one dramaful girl on a Tahitian beach.

The truth is, after Season 1 (when Ryan and Trista convinced us that maybe one can find true love on primetime television), I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for The Bachelorette. And so, while I don’t agree with all the content, somehow I found myself watching it again this summer.

As I watched, I wondered, what does it take to win a girl’s heart on this thing? And as the number of potential candidates dwindled, I saw one element that every guy left seemed to have. The final contenders weren’t necessarily the most attractive, or even the most impressive, but they were the men who had the courage to open their hearts and just risk it. They didn’t know where it would take them, and there was a good chance that any one of them would be booted off by the next round of dates. But for whatever reason, these particular guys felt the freedom to love (if you wanna call it that) and to pursue the things they hoped for (in front of the whole world, mind you).

And then I started to think.

If these guys can do it, what about us? Shouldn’t we as Christians, more than anyone else, be people who walk in that kind of freedom? The freedom that takes risks and chases dreams and dares to love – even if it’s not returned? We submit to a sovereign God who prepares us for our dreams, who protects us from our own frailty. (Of course, I imagine our dreams won’t lead us to finding a spouse on a reality show… but still.) What does it look like to honor God with our desires – especially the desire to get married?

I think that people a while ago had this great idea of telling young women to stop chasing marriage. They told us that singleness is a gift. They told us that if God wants us to be married, it will just happen. And I’m not being sarcastic; people needed to hear those things. But this God-given grace to find contentment in singleness is the same grace that offers freedom to hope and desire. Either way, we’re in His hands. Either way, He’s the One who satisfies.

So as I sat there this summer, watching the Bachelorette break these poor guys’ hearts, I knew that my own newly-awakened desires just couldn’t be ignored anymore. That’s not walking in faith or freedom. That’s walking in fear. Sure, we may not end up where we planned, but think about it: even the runners-up on The Bachelorette often get their own follow-up show. …So can you just imagine what kinds of things God has in store when we open up our hearts and trust Him with our desires?

Related posts (though they don't go together quite as well as I'd imagined...)

On being a woman, pt. 1

On being a woman, pt 2: the personal spin

On being a woman, pt. 2: the personal spin

Sorry this second post has been so delayed. As I've tried to put my thoughts together, I've also realized how much I'm in mid-process with a lot of this stuff! To see Part 1 click here.

I must admit, I've only scratched the surface on understanding and reclaiming all that was lost in the "monument shift" of growing up. And as much as I believe in God's love for me, I'm still uncovering old lies from the enemy, especially in regard to my femininity.

In recent years, I quietly backed away from the world of womanhood. I avoided conversations with guys and created excuses to miss formal events. I stopped thinking about how to look pretty, and I turned away from fancy dresses and nice jewelry. Oh sure, some of it was an attempt at contentment and humility, but also some of it was just me guarding my heart and avoiding my fiercest insecurities. To God's credit alone I am getting much better, but as He continues to redeem every part of me, I've realized that those lies not only caused me great unrest, they also took captive my deepest longings.

This summer, it seemed the whole theme of my conversations revolved around being a woman. I talked with wives and moms and newlyweds. I talked with those who are single, and those who are dating, and those who are engaged. We discussed the sweet sacrifice of having a family, the reality of marriage, and the reasons why there are so many single people these days. Throughout those weeks, I also had the joy of living life with many families. I sat at several dinner tables. I watched spouses interact and make decisions. I observed the exhausting yet beautiful ways of parenting.

And in the midst of it all, I realized something.

I want it.

Yes -- the marriage, the family, the kids, the sacrifice. I want it all.

Of course, this is not surprising. I'm a single, 25 year old woman. I grew up like most girls, playing house in my nightgown and dreaming up names for my potential children. Yet while I've never decided otherwise, somewhere in the midst of life and loss, sometime after the "monumental shift" of growing up, I sort of "shelved" those dreams.

But now. Now that I've seen the healing work of God in my life and relationships. Now that I've drop-kicked so many of those fears and insecurities, I am faced with these hopes that all this time were entangled in the lies.

And right away I remembered why it's just so much easier to ignore these types of things.

For, as with any desire so close to our hearts, God can do what He wants. He can fulfill it...or He can wait. And to be quite honest with you all, both of those possibilities scare me a great deal.

Hmmm...it seems I may just need a Part 3...

Great Expectations

Me with several new ICS teachers at Koh Samed!

SO, having an un-working camera means stealing photos from other people. (This is when we say thank goodness for Facebook, right?) Anyway, last weekend several of us took a delightful trip to the beach since we had four days off! And even getting stung by a stinkin' jellyfish-type animal thing my first ten minutes in the water couldn't stop me from enjoying myself!

We just finished our first full week of school. My voice is gone (what else is new?), but other than that I think we made it through unscathed! :) Already we've had some student ministry events too, which I must say, are maybe the most worthwhile things I'm a part of here. It's hard stepping into a world of opportunities overseas and knowing where you're meant to serve. I juggled a bazillion things last year and tried out every possible way I could be useful. And I've come to the conclusion that I just need to bloom where I'm planted. Being a part of ICS and their ministry to students and families here, building relationships with the kids I teach and showing them Jesus -- I think that's enough for me. Maybe not as exciting as other things I could be doing in Bangkok, Thailand...but I really believe it's what God has for me in this season -- and what I have most enjoyed!

Me, Kristi, and Kristi at ICS' Back to School Bash

(square-dancing w/middle schoolers in Thailand = too much fun!!)

And, hey, did I mention the best part about my new place? It comes with a roommate!! It's quite the perk -- especially for an extrovert like me! :D Tawnya and I both taught 6th grade last year, and now she's teaching 4th grade at ICS. (Sorry she's not pictured below, hehe. But, this is our apartment. We just bought the furniture from a teacher we work with.)

Last of all, I just want to reiterate that our God is amazing. I'll save the details for another day, but He has brought me so much healing, and so much hope, and so much growth in the past year. I don't know if I've ever felt more at peace or more secure. I look forward to what He has in store every day, with great expectations.

Ready...set...GO!

And we're off! Another fantastic summer has passed me by, and already my second school year in Bangkok has begun this week! It's kind of weird when 17 hour flights become normal and I can jump from one world to the next without hardly thinkin' about it.

So...sad side-note: I think my camera's broken, and so my blog as of now will be picture-less for a time, it seems.

Other than that, just wanting to keep you all at home posted on the latest...

• My time in America was more than I could ask for (except that I didn't make it to Montana, sad). I got to attend Karshner Field Day, visit with dear friends in Oregon and Washington, spend quality time with my mom, have a brothers-only birthday, and soak in the amazingly mild summer weather! Ahhhh! I never felt hot once.

• I'm teaching 6th grade language arts/social studies again this year, and YES, it's nice teaching the same thing and feeling ahead of the game for once! (We'll see how long that lasts!) Year four of teaching -- it's gotta get easier, right?

• I have moved to an apartment building right next to school with my friend, Tawnya. It's convenient and a nice little living space. My bedroom kind of reminds me of college life again -- it has that on-a-budget, this-is-temporary feel, haha.

Ways you can be praying...

• Pray for ICS, my school. Pray that God moves mightily this year and transforms the lives of students and families as they come to know the love and truth of the Gospel. It's an awesome ministry we have here, and I'm just overwhelmed by the privilege to serve in this way.

• Pray for Thailand. Pray for continued peace, and for the church in Thailand. Pray that Jesus is made known here and that the hopeless find hope in Him.

• Pray for me, as I make my decision to stay in Thailand or go back home next year. We have to decide by the start of December, and while I'm rather certain I'm meant to go home, please pray for continued clarity and peace in this decision!

Can't believe where God has taken me since last summer (and I don't just mean the location!).

I pray that He's taking you places you never imagined and increasing your faith too, as you seek and follow Him.

Pics from the summer!!!