just let it all out

This past week, my dear friend from Washington, Jody, asked me why I haven't been writing much lately. I replied by saying that, strangely enough, I just haven't had the words to express all that God's been doing in my heart. But as I thought about it more, I realized that's only partially true. The whole truth is, God has been doing some radical, life-altering things inside of me...and I'm a little shy to talk about it. So lately, I've been kind of selective in what I share and who I share it with...but that's not me! God has given me a calling to share my heart and life freely, and so here goes nothin'. I'm letting it all out.

Most of my life, I've felt a little bit radical, and I've never really known what to do with all this passion inside. At times, I've felt really constricted by the boundaries of mainstream, conservative Christianity, but I had huge doubts and fears about exploring outside of its safety.

Last spring, God really challenged me in all of this and asked me why I limit Him and how He wants to reveal Himself to me. So one night, in the privacy of my classroom, during a personal worship session, I surrendered my pride and fears and said, "God, do what You want. Reveal yourself however You want to." And that night, he gave me the gift of tongues.

At first, I was excited, because for the first time ever, God gave me a gift that could only be explained by Him. And in that moment, all of my assumptions and expectations of what is possible were suddenly ripped to shreds. But then, as reality set in, I started to feel really sad. I realized that I've experienced God in a way many people -- even within the church -- won't understand and many won't accept. I had left my safe place of neutrality and would be forever labeled by this supernatural gift.

So for a few months, I decided that, really, nothing had changed. And it's true in a way, because praying in the Spirit is a lot like praying normally; you just don't know what you're saying. But as I kept walking forward and letting God move me, it became clear that many things had changed. Everything had changed.

It's not simply because of the gift, but it's because a people-pleasing, hungry-to-conform part of me had died when I received it, and for the first time, I was open to everything God had for me. In the past year, God has revealed Himself through prophetic word, through speaking specific scriptures to my heart, through crazy, divinely appointed friendships. Even the way I ended up at Life Center (my current church) is totally of Him. I had just fully surrendered my plans to God and told Him I'd even stay in Bangkok or go to a completely new place if that's what He wanted. And that same night, I heard in my heart, "Go to the Brolin's church." I knew of it, because the Brolin family attends our school. So the next day, I went there and I haven't stopped since. Life Center fits my heart in ways only God could have planned, and it was really the main factor in my choice to stay in Bangkok for longer.

I don't share all this to boast of my new experiences. In fact, I say it all with hesitation, because I know some people may think I've now gone off the deep end. And I hate that. I don't want to be misunderstood or judged. But goodness, I don't want to live in fear either. I am grateful that God continues to answer my prayer for more of Him and that He completely blows me away with what that looks like.

More to come. Thanks, Jody, the seal is now broken and my thoughts are again free to flow!

catching my breath

Spring Break 2011: Bali and Jakarta

This year for our April "Songkran" Break, I had the joy of traveling to Indonesia! First stop: the island of Bali. We started out in an over-touristy beach town called Kuta. Didn't love it. Pushy people, swindling money changers, crowded beaches... Maybe a good place for aspiring surfers, and maybe it all would have been more exciting if we didn't come from Thailand --the home of many beautiful beaches.

Such colorful seafood.

Some of the most beautiful sites around Bali are the temples. I think it's partly that the colors and styles are so trendy right now. It'd all fit in nicely on someone's patio or something.

I traveled with two teacher friends, Heidi and Sheila. Traveling is always a great way to get quality time with people you don't see often enough!

After a couple days, we headed inland a bit to a place called Ubud. Praise God for Ubud. Quiet, beautiful landscapes, and instead of pushy, the people were friendly and helpful. Our first night, we took an Indonesian cooking class. First dish, the ever-delicious gado gado salad, featuring (yum, yum) this tasty peanut sauce stuff. Kind of like sauce for satay, but not so sweet.

We also learned how to make a curry chicken and another popular Indonesian dish, mie goreng (stir-fried noodles), both fantastic. AND then we topped it all off with fried bananas!! Ahhh, as you can imagine, we kind of rolled ourselves up to our bungalows that night.

These are the bungalows we stayed in while at Ubud. My favorite parts were the intricately decorated doors (sorry, forgot to get a close-up) AND how they brought us up hot tea every morning on our terrace. How lovely!

So, super fun, we went on a downhill bike ride beginning near a well-known volcano in the area. LOVED it, even though we experienced a DOWNPOUR about 20 minutes into the ride. And once it started raining, it never stopped. Great fun, you know, when you get so drenched you don't even care anymore?

On the ride, we ran into a ceremony going on involving this strange pole-like thing that the people were swinging around near their temple. We asked them what it symbolized, and (uh oh, I never remember this kind of stuff) I think they said something about a river...not sure. But I guess it only happens a couple times a year or so. The funny thing, while they were swinging this around, it fell over -- nearly on top of us all! We then backed away and for the next 20 minutes or so, watched the men work together to get the thing back up.

We also had the opportunity to take a batik-making class! It was fantastic!! (Batik is this kind of fabric painted in layers to create a really cool and unique design.) We got to take part in every step...drawing on the canvas, using the hot wax, and painting it over and over again. That's mine, drying in the sun. It got a few more layers of paint after that. Maybe I'll post a completed photo of it later. I realized then that I just love sitting around and creating. It was so relaxing and engaging too.

My last few days in Indonesia I spent near Jakarta with some old college buddies, Jessica and Evan Brammer. It was so nice to see them after four years. Loved seeing them be such wonderful parents to their three little kiddos. And we all enjoyed swapping overseas stories and sharing all that God has done in our lives these past years. What an encouraging time!

Admiring the clouds on my flight back home to good ol' BKK!

lost in translation...or just plain lost?

I have to say I’m just a beginner when it comes to understanding cultures outside of America. I mean, two years ago, I hadn’t even left North America before. So as I try to engage with Thai culture here, it’s seriously like stepping into a whole new world. And while the language barrier of course is a huge part of adjusting, language is just the beginning.

So in typical Holly-fashion, I kind of freaked out last week. What am I doing? Am I walking where I shouldn’t? Doing what I can’t? What if what I’m doing and saying means something totally different in this culture? And vice-versa? What if I just completely mess up, or offend someone…what if I’m rejected? And if I am accepted, does this culture replace my own?

Then I read this:

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

Ephesians 2:14-22

Culture is a beautiful thing, but our first allegiance is not to our country or culture…but to our God and the members of His household. In Him, we have a new culture, a new family, a new identity.

This all makes so much sense to my heart, because in deciding to stay here, I feel like people wonder if I've become passionate about missions, if that’s become my “thing.” Overseas for life, “called” to the mission field? Yet, my passions have not changed one bit. My longing is still to see God known and glorified in His Church; He’s just expanded my view of what that means…and who’s included.

After floating around in my deep thoughts for a while, I talked with my good friend, Mutarica, who knows a thing or two about different places and cultures. And instead of helping me analyze things further, she cut through everything and reminded me that it’s really quite simple.

“Just be you,” she said.

Oh…right.

I’m not in Thailand to find belonging in a new culture, or to collect diverse friends and experiences. I just want to know these people I’ve come to love, and to know their love too.

silence.

If you know me well, you know that I have trouble with silence. Words, tapping, strange sound effects...I'll use whatever it takes to fill the empty void in a conversation.

Silence.

It's funny, because lately, the enemy has been using silence all over the place to drive me nuts and awaken these dumb fears and insecurities. Since I'm an over-sharing, over-communicating creature, I think it's a real weak spot for me. I send an email, or a text. Silence. Maybe they don't care? Maybe I said something wrong? I ask a question. Silence. Maybe I'm bothering them? Maybe that's a stupid question? I post something on Facebook, or on my blog (I hate admitting this). Silence. Ahhh! Maybe my words don't make sense, or people think I'm crazy, or I shouldn't have talked about that!

And it's beside the point that usually all of those lies are simply, truly lies, because really, the core issue here is -- What's really at stake anyway? Shoot! What if I do say something wrong? What if I do embarrass myself? What if I do mess up? I'm pretty sure I can trust in the faithfulness and kindness of God to cover me...and I can even trust that He'll give my friends grace to extend over my mistakes as well.

Phew. I feel better now that it's been said out loud. Haha. No wonder I hate silence.

And speaking of silence, please forgive me for my blogging-silence these past several weeks! It's partly due to a busy schedule, but mostly, I think it's because my linguistic skills are overspent on learning Thai right now! I'm taking lessons twice a week, studying every day, and trying to speak...whenever I have the courage to! Loving, loving, loving it...but my English writing output has been pretty pathetic since. Strrrange.

Anyway, here are some highlights as of late and things you can pray about if you happen to think of me! God is absolutely blowing me away with new opportunities and such clear affirmation that I am where I'm supposed to be. Praise His Name!!

• The past few months, I've been attending a new church called Life Center. It's a young church plant started by a passionate and God-loving couple from Sweden. It's mostly made up of younger, Thai people -- a lot of them university students and most of them new Christians. I am crazy-excited to be a part of their ministry here, and I can't WAIT to see what God is gonna do!

• God has given me favor by bringing me SO much encouragement as I try to learn Thai. I feel like every time I try to use it, I battle with fear. I know I've just started studying hard core, but I am praying for 1) a supernatural ability to pick it up quickly! and 2) patience and a teachable spirit, as I stumble through learning.

ทุกอย่างเป็นไปได้กับพระเจ้า

Everything is possible with God!

• The transition. I truly don't know what God has planned for me beyond next year, but I have a deep conviction to commit myself here and to give Him free reign to use me as He pleases. SO, I've decided it's time to sell my car and try to empty out my storage in Puyallup, hopefully by this summer. It's maybe harder for me emotionally that anything, but I take this step in faith, and I know I don't need tangible "roots" in order for God to bring me back someday. Please pray for the logistics with all of this, and for a heart at peace.

And if you know of anyone interested...please let me know!!

Love to you all, whoever you are reading right now. Thanks for letting me...break the silence! :)

Why I changed my mind – and does it really have to make sense?

I always said that my tentative plan was to go back to Puyallup when I finished my two years in Bangkok. And then I’d add at the end, “but in humility, I know that God could change my heart at the drop of a hat.”

I didn’t know how right I could be.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed God stirring new things within. And every time I thought about leaving Thailand in June, I just felt sick inside. At first, I just chalked it up as sentimental fluff (I mean, it’s always hard to say goodbye), but then I found myself awake at night, praying to God and pleading for a reason to stay, if only for one more year.

But at that point, I just couldn’t consider it. My last year on Puyallup’s recall list? All of my friends back home, my possessions in storage? My resignation already signed and turned in? And 18 months of feeling good and right about returning, all turned around in a matter of weeks? No way. That just wasn’t gonna cut it.

…So, I’m sure you’re dying to know, right? What was it? What was the big turning point, the grand and perfect reason for changing my mind and choosing to stay?

The thing is, I’m not sure if I have one. I mean, God definitely chipped away at each doubt and fear that came up, and He persistently affirmed different thoughts and passions within. I could probably give you a pretty detailed play-by-play if you wanted it. But it definitely wasn’t the flashing billboard answer that would make the choice easy. And as much as I was hoping this decision would come with a five-year plan, or would at least guarantee me some of the things I desire, that’s just not the way God works.

I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know if I’ll be here for one more year…or for many. I don't know how God will use me, or in what ways I can be useful. I don’t even fully know why He’s compelled me to stay. All I know is, I am so moved to be a part of what God’s doing here in Thailand…that I just can’t go.

And darnitall, maybe by all earthly measures, it doesn’t make sense. But I think I’m okay with that.

“If you want a religion that makes sense, go somewhere else. But if you want a religion that makes life, choose Christianity.” –Rich Mullins

The Top Three's of 2010!

In 2009, on my way to Thailand, God challenged me to "keep asking," to pursue life to the fullest -- asking for depth, for abundance, for more of Jesus....no matter where it takes me. And so it's kind of been my battle cry. How cool and humbling it is to think about 2010 and all the ways God has given me more...and more.

Here are my highlights from the past year. Maybe this is more for me than you, but I pray we can all remember the ways God has spoken and moved as we look to the New Year.

Scriptures

3. Isaiah 61 - God has given us beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, a robe of righteousness to replace our sin and shame. What a great reminder this was for me this year. Our life in Christ is one of joy and victory!

2. Isaiah 40 --

"You who bring good news to Zion,

go up on a high mountain.

You who bring good news to Jerusalem,

lift up your voice with a shout.

Lift it up; do not be afraid.

Say to the towns of Judah, 'Here is your God!'"

We serve the Everlasting God -- may we fearlessly proclaim His greatness!

1. Romans 8 -- This may be one of the most well-known chapters of the Bible, but how many of us truly live and walk in the power and promise of Romans 8? I definitely don't all the time, but I sure want to.

Destinations

3. The Great Pacific Northwest!!

Okay, so this is nothing exotic or unique, but what joy it was to spend time in the Northwest this summer. Washington has my heart, for sure.

2. Langkawi Island, Malaysia

We barely made it to Langkawi in October, and it took all the Malaysian Rupees, Thai Baht, and USD we could scrounge up to get there. ...But it was so worth it. Beautiful beach, quiet town, tons to do.

1. Himalayas, Nepal.

It's just that nothing can compare with this place and all that God taught me there!

Firsts

3. Ziplining

Ziplining is a pretty popular thing to do when you come to Thailand.

And I can totally understand why -- My good friend, Perla, and I had a blast!

2. Professional perm

A definite success (and oh-so fun, thanks to dear friends, Amanda and Mu!). I always knew my hair needed more volume. Now let's see if I can ever go back, hehe.

1. Celebrating with my little brothers for their birthday!

Because I've never lived near my little brothers, I had never been with them on their birthday, January 5th! But with our extra long break at ICS, I was there this year!!

Heartfelt moments

3. Karshner Field Day.

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to see all of my dear Karshner/Puyallup friends last June. They have been such a testament of God's kindness!

2. Worshiping with the orphans in Nepal

Anyone who has ever worshiped Jesus alongside orphans

anywhere will tell you, it's life-changing.

1. A brother-planned 25th birthday

Batting cages and catch, lunch out, quality time with the guys...

and dinner made by my teenage brothers? Memorable for sure.

Books

3. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller - This is the kind of book that inspires, ya know? It makes you wanna go out...and do something!

2. Forgotten God by Francis Chan -- I love Francis Chan's passion and conviction. I love that he's okay with stirring things up a bit, for the sake of truth and the Gospel.

1. Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan -- This book changed my view of culture, missions, and The Church as a whole. And hey, follow the link, you can read it for free!

Songs

3. Our God by Chris Tomlin -- This year, God has challenged me to take hold of the power and victory He's offered to us all as His children. What a great song proclaiming such truths!

2. Holy Spirit, Have Your Way by Leeland -- Another thing that keeps showing up on my radar is our need for the Holy Spirit in our lives. We should hunger for a more Spirit-filled life, instead of shying away from it!

1. Running by Klaus -- This is my newest favorite, and it actually sums up 2010 really well for me. God is calling us to chase after Him and forget about everything else -- to stop pursuing the things we think we need. All year, it was like He kept proving to me that running after Him is truly the greatest joy and delight we can ever know...and through Jesus alone, we find more than we could ever need, or want, or imagine.

May we run after our God and Savior with reckless abandon as we look ahead to 2011! All glory to Jesus!

Strange things are happening to me.

Not a day goes by here in Thailand without someone asking me, "Where you from?"

I, of course, proudly and emphatically answer, "America!"

To which they nearly always respond, "Ohhh, no. You look like China. ...Korea."

Yeeeah. And if I'm totally honest, it's bugged me since the day I got here. Like, c'mon, doesn't the world know that Americans come in all colors, shapes, and sizes? Didn't the rest of the world get the "multicultural" memo that's drilled into our American minds back home?

For most of my time here, I've tried not to think about it, because I had that nagging feeling (you know the one?) that there are deeper reasons behind my frustration. See, it's not something I advertise, but pretty much my whole life, I've tried to "skirt around" the fact that I'm, well, Asian. I know it sounds like nonsense, but I always felt like emphasizing the "Asian" would somehow make me less American.

But, like I said, strange things are happening to me.

It's been an awesome process full of good conversations, books, thoughts, prayers...but the short of it is, I think God is giving me a heart for Thailand...and maybe Asia as a whole.

I can't fully explain it. Maybe part of me has found some hidden connection within. Maybe I've hit a high point in the cycle of adjusting to a new culture. I could speculate on a lot, but one thing I'm sure of: It is definitely of God. He has directed every thought and has brought forth every new experience and friendship and conversation. He has changed my heart.

So what does this mean? Am I not the girl who just turned in resignation papers for her job in Bangkok? Am I not the girl whose heart beats and cries out for the Church back home? Am I not the same proud American who stepped foot in Asia a year and half ago?

The funny thing is, I am still all of the above. My heart still aches for the Church in America and longs to be a part of impassioning and inspiring hearts back home. I am still a proud American who adores her country and has no reservations about returning to live there. And yes, I am still the teacher who -- as of next year -- will no longer have a job in Bangkok.

In other words, I have no idea what this all means. But I am excited to see what God has in store. My mind can go any which way -- maybe He will open a door for me to stay here in another capacity, or maybe He's preparing my heart for future plans. I don't assume I'll know for a while, so I'm just delighting in the peace of His sovereignty and faithfulness. He is a good God, and as I sang at church today, "Our God never fails."

So please pray for me. My hope is that you won't pray for what I want (oh wait, I don't even know what I want)...and that you won't even pray for what you want...but that we will, together, pray for what God wants to do -- in my life, and in yours too! May we give Him full reign to bring about His plans and purposes among us.

Even if it means...strange things.