On being a woman, pt. 2: the personal spin

Sorry this second post has been so delayed. As I've tried to put my thoughts together, I've also realized how much I'm in mid-process with a lot of this stuff! To see Part 1 click here.

I must admit, I've only scratched the surface on understanding and reclaiming all that was lost in the "monument shift" of growing up. And as much as I believe in God's love for me, I'm still uncovering old lies from the enemy, especially in regard to my femininity.

In recent years, I quietly backed away from the world of womanhood. I avoided conversations with guys and created excuses to miss formal events. I stopped thinking about how to look pretty, and I turned away from fancy dresses and nice jewelry. Oh sure, some of it was an attempt at contentment and humility, but also some of it was just me guarding my heart and avoiding my fiercest insecurities. To God's credit alone I am getting much better, but as He continues to redeem every part of me, I've realized that those lies not only caused me great unrest, they also took captive my deepest longings.

This summer, it seemed the whole theme of my conversations revolved around being a woman. I talked with wives and moms and newlyweds. I talked with those who are single, and those who are dating, and those who are engaged. We discussed the sweet sacrifice of having a family, the reality of marriage, and the reasons why there are so many single people these days. Throughout those weeks, I also had the joy of living life with many families. I sat at several dinner tables. I watched spouses interact and make decisions. I observed the exhausting yet beautiful ways of parenting.

And in the midst of it all, I realized something.

I want it.

Yes -- the marriage, the family, the kids, the sacrifice. I want it all.

Of course, this is not surprising. I'm a single, 25 year old woman. I grew up like most girls, playing house in my nightgown and dreaming up names for my potential children. Yet while I've never decided otherwise, somewhere in the midst of life and loss, sometime after the "monumental shift" of growing up, I sort of "shelved" those dreams.

But now. Now that I've seen the healing work of God in my life and relationships. Now that I've drop-kicked so many of those fears and insecurities, I am faced with these hopes that all this time were entangled in the lies.

And right away I remembered why it's just so much easier to ignore these types of things.

For, as with any desire so close to our hearts, God can do what He wants. He can fulfill it...or He can wait. And to be quite honest with you all, both of those possibilities scare me a great deal.

Hmmm...it seems I may just need a Part 3...

Great Expectations

Me with several new ICS teachers at Koh Samed!

SO, having an un-working camera means stealing photos from other people. (This is when we say thank goodness for Facebook, right?) Anyway, last weekend several of us took a delightful trip to the beach since we had four days off! And even getting stung by a stinkin' jellyfish-type animal thing my first ten minutes in the water couldn't stop me from enjoying myself!

We just finished our first full week of school. My voice is gone (what else is new?), but other than that I think we made it through unscathed! :) Already we've had some student ministry events too, which I must say, are maybe the most worthwhile things I'm a part of here. It's hard stepping into a world of opportunities overseas and knowing where you're meant to serve. I juggled a bazillion things last year and tried out every possible way I could be useful. And I've come to the conclusion that I just need to bloom where I'm planted. Being a part of ICS and their ministry to students and families here, building relationships with the kids I teach and showing them Jesus -- I think that's enough for me. Maybe not as exciting as other things I could be doing in Bangkok, Thailand...but I really believe it's what God has for me in this season -- and what I have most enjoyed!

Me, Kristi, and Kristi at ICS' Back to School Bash

(square-dancing w/middle schoolers in Thailand = too much fun!!)

And, hey, did I mention the best part about my new place? It comes with a roommate!! It's quite the perk -- especially for an extrovert like me! :D Tawnya and I both taught 6th grade last year, and now she's teaching 4th grade at ICS. (Sorry she's not pictured below, hehe. But, this is our apartment. We just bought the furniture from a teacher we work with.)

Last of all, I just want to reiterate that our God is amazing. I'll save the details for another day, but He has brought me so much healing, and so much hope, and so much growth in the past year. I don't know if I've ever felt more at peace or more secure. I look forward to what He has in store every day, with great expectations.

Ready...set...GO!

And we're off! Another fantastic summer has passed me by, and already my second school year in Bangkok has begun this week! It's kind of weird when 17 hour flights become normal and I can jump from one world to the next without hardly thinkin' about it.

So...sad side-note: I think my camera's broken, and so my blog as of now will be picture-less for a time, it seems.

Other than that, just wanting to keep you all at home posted on the latest...

• My time in America was more than I could ask for (except that I didn't make it to Montana, sad). I got to attend Karshner Field Day, visit with dear friends in Oregon and Washington, spend quality time with my mom, have a brothers-only birthday, and soak in the amazingly mild summer weather! Ahhhh! I never felt hot once.

• I'm teaching 6th grade language arts/social studies again this year, and YES, it's nice teaching the same thing and feeling ahead of the game for once! (We'll see how long that lasts!) Year four of teaching -- it's gotta get easier, right?

• I have moved to an apartment building right next to school with my friend, Tawnya. It's convenient and a nice little living space. My bedroom kind of reminds me of college life again -- it has that on-a-budget, this-is-temporary feel, haha.

Ways you can be praying...

• Pray for ICS, my school. Pray that God moves mightily this year and transforms the lives of students and families as they come to know the love and truth of the Gospel. It's an awesome ministry we have here, and I'm just overwhelmed by the privilege to serve in this way.

• Pray for Thailand. Pray for continued peace, and for the church in Thailand. Pray that Jesus is made known here and that the hopeless find hope in Him.

• Pray for me, as I make my decision to stay in Thailand or go back home next year. We have to decide by the start of December, and while I'm rather certain I'm meant to go home, please pray for continued clarity and peace in this decision!

Can't believe where God has taken me since last summer (and I don't just mean the location!).

I pray that He's taking you places you never imagined and increasing your faith too, as you seek and follow Him.

Pics from the summer!!!

25 things I’ve learned (or decided) in 25 years…

My fortune cookie from yesterday, can you believe it? What luck!

1. Extend grace.
2. Always assume the best until proven otherwise.
3. Do it when you think of it, or you’ll just forget.
4. God’s will is not a place, but a state of heart.
5. There is beauty in brokenness.
6. Seriously, don’t play ball in the house.
7. Be frugal so you can be generous.
8. Eternity changes everything.
9. I may pretend, but I am not in control.
10. If you didn’t remember you had it, just get rid of it.
11. Always have a spare key handy.
12. Honesty in relationships could actually change the world.
13. It’s best not to use sound effects in a classroom full of 2^nd grade boys.
14. If you can’t love who they are, love who they were meant to be.
15. It’s all about balance.
16. Say what you need to say.
17. Wherever you are, be there (and not just literally).
18. Practice thankfulness…every day.
19. Choose faith over fear.
20. Peanut butter really does go with just about everything.
21. Insecurities and weaknesses lose power when shared.
22. If you’re not sure, just ask.
23. Valleys never last forever.
24. Sometimes the process is more important than the product.
25. The best is yet to come.

On being a woman, pt. 1

In writing this, I’m not trying to be original. In fact, I’ve read enough to know I’m not original, hah. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this summer, and I believe God is challenging me to relook at this whole idea of what it means to be a woman. In trying to be content with what I’ve been given – mediocre fashion skills, too many cooking mishaps, not enough dating prospects – I think I’ve flipped the switch on my God-given, womanly desires and let them sit a while in the dark. But now, God’s beckoning me to reopen them and, shoot, why not share what I’m learning along the way? Maybe at some point you’ll know just what I’m talking about! :)

I have this theory that something absolutely monumental happens during adolescence -- and no, I'm not talking about mood swings or shaving woes. It's more than that. It’s kind of like “the fall of man” coming to fruition in our own lives and stories.

If you grew up in a fairly healthy environment, you probably remember being that carefree, confident, pre-adolescence kid who didn’t worry about how you measured up to everyone else. You said what you thought. You knew what you liked. You felt just as pretty in your jammies as you did wearing your Sunday best.

And then, the monumental shift.

I was kind of a late-bloomer with all this adolescence stuff, so for me, it wasn’t until about 6^th grade. I always had lots of friends and always felt confident socially – you could have even called me a leader among my peers. But things turned on me that year. Instead of thinking I was funny, people started calling me “annoying” – ouch. And then there was that moment, when I looked into the mirror and realized how totally whack my fashion sense was. I stood there in horror, asking myself, Why am I still wearing headbands and turtle necks?

I imagine it’s the way Adam and Eve felt when they realized they were naked in the Garden. All of a sudden, they were aware of every flaw, every inadequacy, every failure.

And from that point on, these nagging insecurities followed them everywhere, taunting them with vicious lies.

You’re not good enough. Cover yourself.

Even your Father in heaven does not accept you. Hide from him.

Suddenly, knowing our family’s love for us is not enough, and we become consumed by a need to feel affirmed and to prove our worth to the world. (Of course, if you grew up questioning your family’s love for you in the first place, these realizations probably happened even sooner.) It seems that once “the fall” has been awakened within each one of us, we spend the rest of our lives combating the lies and recovering what was lost.

And for us, as women, I think one of the first things the enemy tries to steal is our femininity…our identity as cherished daughters and lovely brides.

To be continued...

In His hands

Don't you turn away from me

Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands

And if I don't seem certain

It's just a common fear from a common man

But I am in your hands

[Bebo Norman, In Your Hands]

People say that moving overseas is a brave thing to do. They say, Oh Holly, you're so brave -- to travel across the world, to live among people you've never met, to work in a completely new culture. And it's funny, because -- well, first of all -- I'm not that brave. When people are asked to describe me, that word never comes up. Seriously. The other funny thing is, the absolute scariest part of moving to Thailand wasn't about the culture, or the job, or even the weird food. In fact, it wasn't about Thailand at all...but about all the things I was leaving behind.

I've mentioned it before, how special Washington is to my heart. Leaving behind relationships, and my place on the recall list, and my beginnings in Puyallup... Now that was downright scary. Would I come back to things the same? Would I be able to come back at all? It was like leaving all the things that made me feel most secure, which is exactly what Jesus was asking of me. Not because He didn't want those things for me, but because He wanted my whole heart.

Trust Me, He'd say.

So after an amazing year of growing and seeing God like never before, I was still very anxious to get back to Puyallup this summer...and I especially wondered what God would reveal in that time. I had two fears coming into the trip. One, I feared that things had changed a lot in a year; maybe I would sense a disconnect and a beckoning to move on. Though I was prepared for that, I prayed it was not so. Second, I feared enjoying Puyallup so much that I wouldn't even want to return to Bangkok for another year. I tell ya, I just love that place.

Anyway, it's awesome, because instead of those fears becoming a reality, God again proved His faithfulness despite my uncertainty. I loved every moment of my three weeks in Puyallup. I got to spend quality time with dear friends and with families that bring me so much joy. I went to the beach, the zoo, the malls, the Mountain....consumed BBQ-ed ribs, and steaks, and burgers, and chicken...had fantastic conversations and exchanged encouraging words...received hugs from children I adore.

Yet, I didn't feel tempted to stay right there. I didn't even feel a loss in leaving again. Instead, I felt a deep confidence in God's great sovereignty and love for me. It was like He said, See, Holly? Everything you place in My hands is safe. You can trust me.

I still don't know what's to come. I've no idea what life will look like in another year. But I do know that, for now, God has not shut the door between me and Puyallup; instead He's preserved all the things I love most. And while it can seem kind of scary, I'm even more convinced that the only place I want to be...is in His hands.

Now I know.

In just one year...

I have seen the sun rise over the Himalayas…and swam with the sea turtles of Hawaii…and danced alongside Nepali friends…and ziplined through the jungles of Thailand…and sailed around the mountainous islands of Halong Bay in Vietnam.

…Our God is a God who creates in beauty and majesty.

I have heard the stories of a God who sends His people to a hurting world, who redeems trafficked women, who rescues the prisoners, who brings orphans to a long-awaited home.

…Our God is a God who delivers the broken, the hurting, the lonely – and He uses His people to do it.

I have felt the embrace of friends I just met, been lifted by prayers said across the ocean, and worshiped with brothers and sisters of different tongues and cultures.

Our God is a God who binds us in unity and calls us each his children.

I have eaten rubutan and dragon fruit, and curry of every color. I’ve shopped at the markets, and in the eight-story malls, and on the bustling streets. I’ve ridden planes to new continents, taxis, buses, and tuk-tuks in Bangkok rush hour, and even trains, boats and subways too. I have missed flights due to flat tires, and late-arriving visas, and almost due to an overweight suitcase. I have missed school due to flooding, and due to an H1N1 outbreak, and even due to political unrest.

Our God is a God who provides….graciously and abundantly.

I have heard the voice of God in the quiet of my sleep, and I’ve felt the hand of God when letting go was just too hard, and I’ve tasted the goodness of God through the gift of rich relationships.

Our God is a God who pursues us with extravagant love.

Join me in worshiping our God, for He is worthy.