silence.

If you know me well, you know that I have trouble with silence. Words, tapping, strange sound effects...I'll use whatever it takes to fill the empty void in a conversation.

Silence.

It's funny, because lately, the enemy has been using silence all over the place to drive me nuts and awaken these dumb fears and insecurities. Since I'm an over-sharing, over-communicating creature, I think it's a real weak spot for me. I send an email, or a text. Silence. Maybe they don't care? Maybe I said something wrong? I ask a question. Silence. Maybe I'm bothering them? Maybe that's a stupid question? I post something on Facebook, or on my blog (I hate admitting this). Silence. Ahhh! Maybe my words don't make sense, or people think I'm crazy, or I shouldn't have talked about that!

And it's beside the point that usually all of those lies are simply, truly lies, because really, the core issue here is -- What's really at stake anyway? Shoot! What if I do say something wrong? What if I do embarrass myself? What if I do mess up? I'm pretty sure I can trust in the faithfulness and kindness of God to cover me...and I can even trust that He'll give my friends grace to extend over my mistakes as well.

Phew. I feel better now that it's been said out loud. Haha. No wonder I hate silence.

And speaking of silence, please forgive me for my blogging-silence these past several weeks! It's partly due to a busy schedule, but mostly, I think it's because my linguistic skills are overspent on learning Thai right now! I'm taking lessons twice a week, studying every day, and trying to speak...whenever I have the courage to! Loving, loving, loving it...but my English writing output has been pretty pathetic since. Strrrange.

Anyway, here are some highlights as of late and things you can pray about if you happen to think of me! God is absolutely blowing me away with new opportunities and such clear affirmation that I am where I'm supposed to be. Praise His Name!!

• The past few months, I've been attending a new church called Life Center. It's a young church plant started by a passionate and God-loving couple from Sweden. It's mostly made up of younger, Thai people -- a lot of them university students and most of them new Christians. I am crazy-excited to be a part of their ministry here, and I can't WAIT to see what God is gonna do!

• God has given me favor by bringing me SO much encouragement as I try to learn Thai. I feel like every time I try to use it, I battle with fear. I know I've just started studying hard core, but I am praying for 1) a supernatural ability to pick it up quickly! and 2) patience and a teachable spirit, as I stumble through learning.

ทุกอย่างเป็นไปได้กับพระเจ้า

Everything is possible with God!

• The transition. I truly don't know what God has planned for me beyond next year, but I have a deep conviction to commit myself here and to give Him free reign to use me as He pleases. SO, I've decided it's time to sell my car and try to empty out my storage in Puyallup, hopefully by this summer. It's maybe harder for me emotionally that anything, but I take this step in faith, and I know I don't need tangible "roots" in order for God to bring me back someday. Please pray for the logistics with all of this, and for a heart at peace.

And if you know of anyone interested...please let me know!!

Love to you all, whoever you are reading right now. Thanks for letting me...break the silence! :)

Why I changed my mind – and does it really have to make sense?

I always said that my tentative plan was to go back to Puyallup when I finished my two years in Bangkok. And then I’d add at the end, “but in humility, I know that God could change my heart at the drop of a hat.”

I didn’t know how right I could be.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed God stirring new things within. And every time I thought about leaving Thailand in June, I just felt sick inside. At first, I just chalked it up as sentimental fluff (I mean, it’s always hard to say goodbye), but then I found myself awake at night, praying to God and pleading for a reason to stay, if only for one more year.

But at that point, I just couldn’t consider it. My last year on Puyallup’s recall list? All of my friends back home, my possessions in storage? My resignation already signed and turned in? And 18 months of feeling good and right about returning, all turned around in a matter of weeks? No way. That just wasn’t gonna cut it.

…So, I’m sure you’re dying to know, right? What was it? What was the big turning point, the grand and perfect reason for changing my mind and choosing to stay?

The thing is, I’m not sure if I have one. I mean, God definitely chipped away at each doubt and fear that came up, and He persistently affirmed different thoughts and passions within. I could probably give you a pretty detailed play-by-play if you wanted it. But it definitely wasn’t the flashing billboard answer that would make the choice easy. And as much as I was hoping this decision would come with a five-year plan, or would at least guarantee me some of the things I desire, that’s just not the way God works.

I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know if I’ll be here for one more year…or for many. I don't know how God will use me, or in what ways I can be useful. I don’t even fully know why He’s compelled me to stay. All I know is, I am so moved to be a part of what God’s doing here in Thailand…that I just can’t go.

And darnitall, maybe by all earthly measures, it doesn’t make sense. But I think I’m okay with that.

“If you want a religion that makes sense, go somewhere else. But if you want a religion that makes life, choose Christianity.” –Rich Mullins

The Top Three's of 2010!

In 2009, on my way to Thailand, God challenged me to "keep asking," to pursue life to the fullest -- asking for depth, for abundance, for more of Jesus....no matter where it takes me. And so it's kind of been my battle cry. How cool and humbling it is to think about 2010 and all the ways God has given me more...and more.

Here are my highlights from the past year. Maybe this is more for me than you, but I pray we can all remember the ways God has spoken and moved as we look to the New Year.

Scriptures

3. Isaiah 61 - God has given us beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, a robe of righteousness to replace our sin and shame. What a great reminder this was for me this year. Our life in Christ is one of joy and victory!

2. Isaiah 40 --

"You who bring good news to Zion,

go up on a high mountain.

You who bring good news to Jerusalem,

lift up your voice with a shout.

Lift it up; do not be afraid.

Say to the towns of Judah, 'Here is your God!'"

We serve the Everlasting God -- may we fearlessly proclaim His greatness!

1. Romans 8 -- This may be one of the most well-known chapters of the Bible, but how many of us truly live and walk in the power and promise of Romans 8? I definitely don't all the time, but I sure want to.

Destinations

3. The Great Pacific Northwest!!

Okay, so this is nothing exotic or unique, but what joy it was to spend time in the Northwest this summer. Washington has my heart, for sure.

2. Langkawi Island, Malaysia

We barely made it to Langkawi in October, and it took all the Malaysian Rupees, Thai Baht, and USD we could scrounge up to get there. ...But it was so worth it. Beautiful beach, quiet town, tons to do.

1. Himalayas, Nepal.

It's just that nothing can compare with this place and all that God taught me there!

Firsts

3. Ziplining

Ziplining is a pretty popular thing to do when you come to Thailand.

And I can totally understand why -- My good friend, Perla, and I had a blast!

2. Professional perm

A definite success (and oh-so fun, thanks to dear friends, Amanda and Mu!). I always knew my hair needed more volume. Now let's see if I can ever go back, hehe.

1. Celebrating with my little brothers for their birthday!

Because I've never lived near my little brothers, I had never been with them on their birthday, January 5th! But with our extra long break at ICS, I was there this year!!

Heartfelt moments

3. Karshner Field Day.

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to see all of my dear Karshner/Puyallup friends last June. They have been such a testament of God's kindness!

2. Worshiping with the orphans in Nepal

Anyone who has ever worshiped Jesus alongside orphans

anywhere will tell you, it's life-changing.

1. A brother-planned 25th birthday

Batting cages and catch, lunch out, quality time with the guys...

and dinner made by my teenage brothers? Memorable for sure.

Books

3. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller - This is the kind of book that inspires, ya know? It makes you wanna go out...and do something!

2. Forgotten God by Francis Chan -- I love Francis Chan's passion and conviction. I love that he's okay with stirring things up a bit, for the sake of truth and the Gospel.

1. Revolution in World Missions by K.P. Yohannan -- This book changed my view of culture, missions, and The Church as a whole. And hey, follow the link, you can read it for free!

Songs

3. Our God by Chris Tomlin -- This year, God has challenged me to take hold of the power and victory He's offered to us all as His children. What a great song proclaiming such truths!

2. Holy Spirit, Have Your Way by Leeland -- Another thing that keeps showing up on my radar is our need for the Holy Spirit in our lives. We should hunger for a more Spirit-filled life, instead of shying away from it!

1. Running by Klaus -- This is my newest favorite, and it actually sums up 2010 really well for me. God is calling us to chase after Him and forget about everything else -- to stop pursuing the things we think we need. All year, it was like He kept proving to me that running after Him is truly the greatest joy and delight we can ever know...and through Jesus alone, we find more than we could ever need, or want, or imagine.

May we run after our God and Savior with reckless abandon as we look ahead to 2011! All glory to Jesus!

Strange things are happening to me.

Not a day goes by here in Thailand without someone asking me, "Where you from?"

I, of course, proudly and emphatically answer, "America!"

To which they nearly always respond, "Ohhh, no. You look like China. ...Korea."

Yeeeah. And if I'm totally honest, it's bugged me since the day I got here. Like, c'mon, doesn't the world know that Americans come in all colors, shapes, and sizes? Didn't the rest of the world get the "multicultural" memo that's drilled into our American minds back home?

For most of my time here, I've tried not to think about it, because I had that nagging feeling (you know the one?) that there are deeper reasons behind my frustration. See, it's not something I advertise, but pretty much my whole life, I've tried to "skirt around" the fact that I'm, well, Asian. I know it sounds like nonsense, but I always felt like emphasizing the "Asian" would somehow make me less American.

But, like I said, strange things are happening to me.

It's been an awesome process full of good conversations, books, thoughts, prayers...but the short of it is, I think God is giving me a heart for Thailand...and maybe Asia as a whole.

I can't fully explain it. Maybe part of me has found some hidden connection within. Maybe I've hit a high point in the cycle of adjusting to a new culture. I could speculate on a lot, but one thing I'm sure of: It is definitely of God. He has directed every thought and has brought forth every new experience and friendship and conversation. He has changed my heart.

So what does this mean? Am I not the girl who just turned in resignation papers for her job in Bangkok? Am I not the girl whose heart beats and cries out for the Church back home? Am I not the same proud American who stepped foot in Asia a year and half ago?

The funny thing is, I am still all of the above. My heart still aches for the Church in America and longs to be a part of impassioning and inspiring hearts back home. I am still a proud American who adores her country and has no reservations about returning to live there. And yes, I am still the teacher who -- as of next year -- will no longer have a job in Bangkok.

In other words, I have no idea what this all means. But I am excited to see what God has in store. My mind can go any which way -- maybe He will open a door for me to stay here in another capacity, or maybe He's preparing my heart for future plans. I don't assume I'll know for a while, so I'm just delighting in the peace of His sovereignty and faithfulness. He is a good God, and as I sang at church today, "Our God never fails."

So please pray for me. My hope is that you won't pray for what I want (oh wait, I don't even know what I want)...and that you won't even pray for what you want...but that we will, together, pray for what God wants to do -- in my life, and in yours too! May we give Him full reign to bring about His plans and purposes among us.

Even if it means...strange things.

If I could talk to you face to face...this is what I'd say.

Dearest friends,

To be honest, I don't even know who I'm talking to. But to all of you "back home" -- or others interested -- this post is for you. :) It's been a while, hasn't it? I've had a great month or so, but very full and draining as well. I don't know why, but everything I've felt these past few weeks, I have felt deeply.

For one, I think I've been realizing how difficult it is to still feel connected to things "back home" my second year away. And it's so hard to know what I'm supposed to naturally let go of...and what I should fight to keep. In the midst of that, when all home front voices have seemed utterly quiet, I've been wrestling with making decisions about my future...in Thailand and beyond.

Last Friday, I turned in my "resignation" for next school year. It doesn't come as a surprise to me, I guess, and probably not to you either. But it was still a very thought-out, prayed over thing that meant a great deal to me. I have not taken my time here at ICS lightly, and I consider it an absolutely privilege to be serving here. God's peace has been abundant though, and I am SO grateful. As for next year, wow. I can't even guess.

When I sit in God's presence and seek Him, I sense this unbelievable calling to surrender. I sense that He's asking me to be open...to stop limiting Him and the plans He has for me...to pursue Him alone. And do I know what it means? No! Is it a little scary? Yeah, except that I know this loving God who compels me to follow...and I can't even help but trust Him with my life.

So as appealing as it is to assume a return to Puyallup, to teaching elementary and the life I knew before...I can't seem to feel right about it anymore. It really doesn't mean anything either way. God just hasn't made it clear yet. And I guess I'm telling you all this, because I value your prayers and your support and your love in my life. My heart aches in knowing that changes areagain heading my way, and yet I am so moved by God and so hungry for more of Him, that I'm convinced wherever He's leading me is worth it.

...On the lighter side, I've been crazy-blessed with joyful times and sweet relationships this fall (well, rainy season for us).

Here are just a few snapshots of life as I know it in Bangkok!

This is me with me with my dear friends, Kim and K-Dub (Kristi W.) and new friends too. We had just completed Bangkok's "Vertical Marathon" by climbing the Banyan Tree Hotel's 63 flights of stairs. (And just so you know, it's not as hard as it sounds. You could totally do it!)

Me and Miriam at a rockin' costume party the other night, thanks to hostesses Lindsey, Lindsay, Heidi and Miriam! (Cape compliments of my sweet little bro, Nicholas. Thanks, man!!)

A couple weeks ago, I got the awesome blessing of going to Khao Yai, Thailand for the first time. My friends Mutarica, O, and Sumalee took me to this waaaay cool place called, Palio...AKA Thailand's "Little Italy"! So fun, and to make matters better, O and Sumalee took bunches of photos to commemorate the occasion. This one was at the gardens in the shopping plaza.

Here we are, on the streets of Palio. What a treat it was! :)

And these are my wonderful and precious prayer/accountability partners, Catherine and Karly! How deeply I treasure their support and encouragement!

So there ya have it. Holly's life in a nutshell. :) Sending my love to you all and praying you are well. I can't wait until heaven, when distance will never again separate. But until then, may we rest in the grace He has for us.

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love." [Yet/Switchfoot]

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:7

I can think of lots of things that make loving people hard. Having patience all the time? Hard. Being kind no matter what? Double hard. Forgiving every hurt and every bad decision? Unbelievably hard. Yet when I read 1 Corinthians 13, do you know what line really gets to me?

Love always hopes.

Yes, love always hopes. I don't know the ways people have hurt you or disappointed you in your life, but I do know that, for me, when someone causes pain, the last thing I want to do is hope. I don't want to hope they've changed, or hope things will get better, or hope that the relationship is restored. I just want to guard my heart...and move on.

And what's wrong with that, right? This always hoping thing seems a bit counter-intuitive; it sounds kind of like an I'm-just-a-doormat kind of Christianity that subjects us to a vicious cycle of hope and disappointment.

Yet I know, that can't be right either.

The God I know doesn't want us to stay in hurtful situations or to hold onto destructive relationships. In fact, God allows us space to heal, and He's often the One who provides us deliverance in due time. Hoping doesn't always mean staying, and it simply can't mean enabling...nor does it ever mean compromising what is right.

So what does it mean then?

Maybe always hoping (like everything else, really,) comes down to our hearts. Maybe it doesn't look any certain way. Maybe it means we choose grace over bitterness, even if it's from afar. And maybe it means we choose prayer over apathy, and kindness over revenge. Maybe it means hoping, because we believe in a God who can change the hardest of hearts, who can heal the incurable, who can make beauty from ashes...Hoping, because even after a thousand disappointments, His great love will still be enough.

It's a costly thing to do. But when I look to the cross and the Love that saved me, I'm reminded that really loving people always is.

This one was born in Zion.

He has set his foundation on the holy mountain;

the Lord loves the gates of Zion

more than all the dwellings of Jacob

Glorious things are said of you, oh City of God:

"I will record Rahab and Babylon

among those who acknowledge me --

Phillistia too, and Tyre, along with Cush --

and will say, 'This one was born in Zion.' "

Indeed, of Zion it will be said,

"This one and that one were born in her,

and the Most High Himself will establish her."

The Lord will write in the register of the peoples:

"This one was born in Zion."

As they make music they will sing,

"All my fountains are in you."

-Psalm 87

Jesus lifted me out of the mud.

He brushed off the dirt

and carried me in His arms.

He looked in my eyes and said,

This one was born in Zion.

I feel like I don't belong,

because I belong in the City of my God.

Zion is my birthright, my inheritance, my home.